<font color="#000088"> Hi all -

My story/issues/health is probably not going to be a surprise to this forum. I'm 28 years old, have chronic panic disorder w/agoraphobia, bi-polar (although I have attempted to hide this from eveyrone, including doctors), lost my home and just about everything I have due to not being able to hold a job (went through my whole savings to live the last year or so), and I cannot keep a job.

HX:
My condition has progressed to the point that I do not even WANT to leave the house (I'm currently living w/my brother and his fiance), I am scared to death to be in the car and/or drive, although I do it anyway by 'zombying' myslef out w/Xanax, I do the same to just semi-function at my current job, my thoughts are scattered (I apologize in advance and I'm sure you can already tell), I lose track of my thoughts, time, etc., hearing the phone ring sets me off, as the minutes pass for me to get in the car to go to work I get 'riled' up, I go through 'fits' anywhere, I get severely depressed/angry at any given moment, and I feel as if life is not worth living.

I have struggled financially, again due to my inability to keep a job (last one I got fired from bcuz of taking time off RIGHT after being hired since I kept flipping out in the car; this happens quite a bit and I always always pull off the road when I feel 'it' coming on), which is going to end up putting me on the streets any day now... Even writing this has caused me to have to stop, catch my breath, etc. as I went into a panic attack when I got onto the site, again when I started the thread, and right bfore this last sentence. I'm a basket case and I REALLY BELIEVE that!!! My ONLY relief is that of a Xanax - of which I am 'supposed' to take TID (3X/d), which is FAR from sufficient for me to make it through a day... Add a little drama to the equation and I'm in 'hiding' for as long as I can - I usually leave ONLY to get to work and quickly back home.. I've been on zoloft, effexor, paxil, prozac - all of them - and while they DO help some in RE: Depression, this medication 'cocktail' is really getting old....

Ladies/Gentlemen - I REALLLY need some advice - any advice - as to how to survive. I do NOT want to be in this world if this is what I have to look forward to every day. I'm disgusted w/myself, hate myself, am very embarassed, and have little to no support from the few people in my family. They think I am just 'not wanting to work' (that's the latest accusation), I'm a "pill-head" bcuz I am prescribed narcotics, and I suppose they believe i am just lazy. Well, they have NOT walked one step in these shoes nor have they lost over $300,000.00 of THEIR belongings... I supported them financially when they needed it - and now all I do is catch hell for (recently) losing the house, job-to-job ordeals, etc. etc.

I HATE HATE HATE that I even have to contemplate the disability route, but I just cannot go on anymore living this way... Whenever I do not have to work (on the weekends), all I do is stay at home. Going out is out of the question; going to the store is out of the question, although i will do it if I am able to zombie myself for lack of better words. All i think about is how to get home quickly, how to get in/out of the store quickly, and I have even left the shopping cart in the line bcuz it was too long, the whole place started getting really loud, I could feel my heart racing, the shakes started, and I knew i had to get home right then and there... I actually feel somewhat 'safe' in the car - just sitting in it that is - whenever the attacks come on. A five-minute trip aroudn the corner could take 30 minutes, depending on how many cars are coming (and I'll sit and sit to count them, waiting for the right moment where there are not many cars, etc.), then wait in the parking lot for only a few people to be around, hoping that I can get into the store w/out someone coming close to me. Inside the grocery, I'll avoid people at all costs - waiting at the end of the aisles so they will be further away... All the while the place starts getting louder whenever more people are around or Lord knows what starts to trigger it.

At work, this new job I got has only 2-3 people in the office. My boss is totally unaware of my condition as I attribute it to my physical injury (I have damaged discs in my back due to a slip/fall where I am in constant pain and cannot sit/stand/walk easily as is) so they think I am not a mental case. Yes, there is a physical problem as well, all over this injury, which limits my abilities. I am a Mechanical Engineer, primarily for HVAC (Heating & Cooling), of which I cannot perform the physical duties for, and cannot even get employment in the trade as a result of the physical duties. My own company, that I put my all into, FAILED after 6 years bcuz I just could not deal with the people nor could I handle the physical work... All these 'things' that contribute(d) to my "going downhill" just adds up and adds up...

I WANT to work and prosper in it; I HATE that I am thinkin about this route bcuz I see what **** you go through... SSA is against you will do their damnest to find one - just ONE thing so they can deny you and make you suffer that much longer... I know bcuz the STD cut me off after doctor #21 said there is 'nothing that bad' wrong w/me to where I could not function properly with medication. Well, they don't LIVE in this body nor do THEY go through what I do every second of the day!!! It also kills me to know that other people are in this sinking ship and we are helpless!! ALL of this stuff that has added up over the years has and continues to take its toll on me. My relationship is going to crap, however he's supportive - but just doesn't 'think' this is that bad and i'm just making it out to be worse than what it is. This is bcuz I 'play OK' around the house too - I'm WAYYY to embarassed to proclaim I'm sick. Whenever I am in a really bad state, I always say it is something with my back to avoid any connection to what is going on in my head...

I'm even going to have to find another Primary Doctor bcuz she is totally ignoring the psych. aspects of my problems and w/out the referrals (new insurance now... doesn't cover SQUAT), I can't get seen anywhere..

Anywya, I could go on forever and ever and probably upset everyone in this forum. I again apologize that I have wrote such a long post. I just can't help but get it all out in the open - as much as I can - so someone can point me in the right direction. Furthermore, I know I wont be going through any of this alone now that I found this group.

I thank EVERYONE in advance who is wiling to respond/help me in this. I will disclose anything/everything you ask bcuz being honest is the only way anything will get done.
Niko </font>