Shezbut you have made and effort to set a boundary for the first time. And your going to have mixed feelings about that. I can relate to that feeling because I used to give in to my family all the time. I worked my life around them and eventually the time came when I did have to stand up and voice my opinion. That was mostly with my sister who was always the controling force in the family.

But what that meant was exclusion for me. And I am not a spring chicken and I do have to say it has been uncomfortable for me and I do have mixed feelings. But there comes a time when one has to stop allowing others to claim territory over them so to speak. And the old me just did whatever to make everyone happy.

You have decided to disconnect and work on yourself, guess what, you never made that effort before. So what you are feeling is normal as it is new to you. As far as crying during therapy sessions, don't worry about that, you dont know what you feel yet, your going to have mixed feelings for a while. And the tightness in your chest and your throat as well as feeling blank are all about self doubt. Why? because this is alien to you, you have never done this before. And the blank feeling is mostly because you actually don't know how to feel about it, almost like you are waiting for something to happen as might have in your past. And the feeling of sit down and shut up? Well, that is anger trying to come out and yet you are not sure how to let it out and what it even means yet. And maybe a part of you is angry that you have needed to break away in order to work on yourself. And that reaction is also partially a feeling of guilt that somehow you didn't command enough respect in your family or you may even feel like some of the issues were your fault somehow.

Your going to have to take time to sort it out, and it will take time. And you may fair better if you keep a journal for yourself and write down whatever your feelings are, including the ones that you describe here. You may even be doubting how to be loyal to yourself, after all you have had a confusing past and there were good memories there and still there were things that effected you, and as you mentioned the atmosphere in your home was disruptive. And remember that is what you know, you dont know anything else.

What is going to happen now is YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN WHAT TO KNOW MORE AND MORE. You have made some decisions and you havent figured out the next step yet, you have no practice at it, no real knowlege of it.

Just concentrate of self soothing talk and remind yourself that you are new at this and that is all. You are really taking the first steps to being on your own journey, and that is often confusing and the lack of emotion? Well you don't really know that yet. No one says you have to react any certain way, it is an individual type of grieving process, there is no right way to do it, you will develope your own way now.

You will be getting to know you, getting to know all about you and you will be learning how to be you on your own for the first time. Remind yourself that you are worth the investment and it is now up to you. You have to give yourself permission to separate yourself from the opinions of others that you have dealt with all your life.
It is time for you to form your own opinions. That takes time.

So go easy on yourself and just say to yourself, I am not sure who I am yet but I am special and each day I will learn more and more about how to be me and be ok with it.

Open Eyes