I've been feeling like a complete and utter mess lately. There are many things that bother me, many of which I can hardly understand. I am going to explain each one separately for my own sake as much as yours.

• I practice karate and I love it, but I'm not as successful in it as I would wish. Still, I work very hard and try not to lose hope, but there is something very discouraging going on. Almost every sensei (karate teacher) has a (for want of a better word) favourite pupil. They spend more time and energy on that pupil. They are sterner and stricter when it comes to that pupil and they have very high expectations from them. I strove to be that special student, but I guess I'm just not talented enough. What makes it even more painful is that I love my sensei to bits. I have talked to her about my mental disorder in the past and she has helped me immensely. But our relationship has always been kind of one wayed; me asking for advice and she giving it. It's been a long time now since I talked to her about my problems though. I've pretty much learnt to cope on my own.

• The second problem is my best friend. By a strange chance, if it can be called that, she is our sensei's favourite. She talks to me often about how hard she's training to prepare for the upcoming tournament. She also tells me how sensei trusts her and talks to her about her problems and internal conflicts (in a way that she never trusted me). They are very close and intimate and no matter how hard I try I cannot be indifferent. Here's a strange thing though: I used to burn with envy when I saw them together, but now it's more like ice than fire. I've become cold and numb and bitter. I care and I don't care at the same time.

• Different but related is the fact that our friendship is suffering greatly. I understand her alright, but she has stopped understanding me. She doesn't even try. I had counted on her so much. It was a joy for me just to see or hear her, but now it pains me to be with her because I can see that we're not what we once were. She's a bit too selfish for my liking and the distance between us is getting greater and greater. I feel betrayed and terribly lonely.

• My father is another problem. He's a really good dad compared to most. He loves me and he would do anything in his power to keep me happy, but I get angry and annoyed at him so easily! I just don't understand it. Itdoesn't make any sense. When, for instance, he picks on me for spending too much time watching movies or because my room is untidy I become so angry that I feel like I hate him and the feeling doesn't go away for some hours at least. I hate it when he touches or kisses me (not in an abusive way; just as a fatherly affection). Sometimes I can't even stand being in the same room with him. There's only one reason I can think of. I'm wild and unquiet by nature and I can't stand someone having power over me and my father is a bit dominating. That might be the reason but still, the feelings are too exaggerated!

• There's one more thing. I've read Lord of the Rings quite recently and I'vebecome desperately obsessed with it. I read the books and watch the films over and over again. I think I'm using it as a means to escape the real world and that worries me. I know I can't run away froever and I have a feeling that no good can come out of it.

Sorry for the long post. I've been away for a while. I guess I was trying to make up for that. Ah well. All advice and sympathy is greatly appreciated.