Lava it is normal for you to have these feelings and it is good that you are thinking about him as a man, a man that made a lot of mistakes, but he was abusive to you Lava. And any attempts you have made have been met with his continued combativeness and abusive behavior. Plus he is old and is fighting a disease that is going to further his anger about everything. People who age that have had abusive behaviors in the past, almost always get worse.

You are a good person and I know there is a part of you that wants to be humble and forgiving. But the problem is that every attempt you have made to do so has put your own mental health at risk as you return to the same person who will most likely get worse instead of better. For him, everything is about him and not anyone else and that is not going to change. Lets remember we are talking about a man that had to have police come and get him under control so he could be treated.
He is a danger now to you Lava, and he may even hurt you out of a decline in his ability to function normally. His answer has always been anger, never love and kindness. And it almost sounds like he even resented his life responsibilities and his treatment of you showed that.

You have taught yourself how to heal and stop and look at the man who created so much pain in your past. And it has helped you realize that it wasn't your fault. You have grown stronger and been able to finally not only morn your past but free yourself of it.

Missing your dad? That dad you miss never existed Lava and he is still not there.
Your brother is a codependant and just makes excuses for your father, that is how he deals with it. Your brother has just given in and he too will live out his days in a way that he will continue to punish himself and banish himself from any normal kind of life to a shack in the woods. That is what your father made of your brother and your brother just accepts it as he has no will to do anything else.

The ultimate choice is yours Lava but you have to realize that the man who was in your life growing up was abusive and never truely loved you as a son. He did what he knew, yes, but he is too old to change now. He has already told you that in your every attempt to try to create a bond and hear him appologize for what he did to you or even give you any credit that you had always so wanted all your life. He is not capable of that, he is way too self absorbed and never has learned to think of anyone except himself and his own needs.

The question is, are you going to enable him to hurt you more?

What does your T say?

You have had a nice summer and you have grown close to your wife, do you want to again put that on the line? You are still struggling with the fact that you are a nice person and inspite of your past you have made a choice to grow up and be who you really are. It took you a lot of time to do that Lava and you had to finally release a lot of pent up anger and so many emotions to get where you are now. And part of that was coming to the realization that that man was never the father you needed in any way. He is not going to change and his answer was always abuse and I don't think he is going to break a life time mold.

That is just my opinion. You have to talk about this with your T. I sure don't want to see you go backwards.

Open Eyes