I want to be mad at T. I like her a lot and I'm working hard to trust her... but she's talking like she wants me to go on meds and I don't want to do that. My rational mind appreciates how gentle she was when the topic came up and how concerned she is and that in the same session she told me she likes me.

But my emotional mind feels betrayed, like the hard work I'm doing is being discredited. My emotional mind wants to go in on Fri and be a snot, and ask her what the heck her job is if it's not to help me cope with the symptoms of depression. I want to demand she tell me why I'm doing all the work of constantly and consistently going out of my comfort zone while she's sitting there trying to shove me off on some pdoc. I want to know what good she is to me if she believes that medication is the solution. And I want to know what else she wants from me... what more could I possibly be doing aside from becoming magically well?? Or is that the problem.. that I'm not well and she doesn't want to deal with me? Are you done, T? Are you tired of me? Are you exhausted by my symptoms? Guess what.. You're not alone. I'm friggin tired of them too!!!

So yes. I guess I am angry. I've been so unaware of myself that I didn't realize I was angry until someone flat out asked me. I just shove the anger down, and shove the feelings down, and comply and comply and comply, and try to be a good client so she can help me. And all of that compliance.. all of that restraint later and she STILL can't handle me without meds. I'm screwed.

I don't want to let this anger out. Obviously I have here, lol, but I don't want to in real life. I don't want to be seen as hostile. I don't know how to approach this in T. I don't know what to tell her or how. I don't know how to do anything other than completely stuff this anger or completely act out on it. What do I do? Where is the balance between the two? What do I say? I need some guidance, please...