WOW.... I am TOTALLY amazed at how EACH and EVERY one of you have taken time to address me and my issues persoanlly... Unlike so many doctors and therapists, not to say thatt they are all 'bad', but they have 15 minute intervals and I need about 5 hours (LOL)... Least I'm smiling now.....

You all have been FAR more receptive and understanding than people I have known for years... Well, I should say the FEW people that are still around me... Most are afraid - given I 'go off' at any time, etc etc... The bi-polar aspect, as DJ was saying before the tornados tried to get him (I live in Indianapolis and we're going through the same nonsense right now - I actually wish I could get sucked up into one, but my luck, I'd be spit back out right where it picked me up), is what I REALLY belive is the problem right this second... If i am wrong, you all know how to correct me, that is for sure!!!

I'm losing days, time, etc.... I don't even remember having a 3 hour conversation with a telemarketer the other day (I honestly cannot remmeber the day) and I am afraid I have purchased something that is WELL beyond anything I can spend... I'm not working, I have to muster up the strength to get to the doctor today, and see what else is in my near future.... I just know, in my heart, that they're going to lock me up bcuz of the recent episode.... I think I'm rapid-cycling, but the mroe I read on it, the more I get 'worked up' so to speak...

Does Rapid-Cycling constitute a change (either to/from) BP I or II? I know I am in BP I, or at least back in it, as the rage stage lasted a while... Loss of memory, now I am just so dang depressed and scared that I do NOT want to go on like this one more moment....

I also agree with everything else that was said about meds, etc... I will try anything once, even agian if they are certain it is worth it... If I could find a receptive physician, therapist, psych, etc., I'd probably be in much better shape than I am now... My insurance will deny ANY further psych. treatment as i have already used up the limit for 2006... It's only March.... So now I'm stuck having to find money, which certainly doesn't fall from the sky, JUST to try and get the help I am BEGGING for....

About all tha is working so far is how you all ahve taken time out of your schedules to help me, talk to me, and be there for me.... I am SO grateful for each and every one of you in that respect..... All I know is that this is better than ANY therapist session I have had so far.... If I could only feel like I wasn't going to flip out in a group setting, I'd give that a try....

I'll get to each and every one of ya indivudally shortly - have a SLEW of catching up to do since I was scared to even come back on here - I figured everyone would tell me where to go, how to get there, and even offer to do it!!! How WRONG I WAS!!!

Thank you ALL SO MUCH again... You are all very kind and supportive - just what I need
Niko