Thanks for your input Lynn. I appreciate it. Reading what you had to say gave me a certain amount of sadness. Because unfortunetly, my father is not capable of any of the things you listed as necessary in order for us to have a relationship. And never has...

What I didn't mention in my post was the last time I saw my father (8 months ago) he was being led into a Police car in hancuffs. That's what happens when you threaten case workers from the Division of Aging with a loaded shotgun... The day had started off as simply his oldest son (me) trying to convince him to go to the hospital to have a cathetor put in because his Prostate cancer had progressed to the point where it was blocking his urinary tract. But since my father has a deep distrust for the medical profession (he has broken off every one of his teeth with pliers at the gum line rather than going to the dentist) he refused. So, to hopefully avoid him "drowning in his own urine," as had been described by the nurse who had informed me of his condition, I called someone to hopefully convince him to go... Next thing I knew the street had been blocked off - the house surrounded by the town "Swat Team" with loaded weapons, and I watched my father being led away -- to the hospital where a catheter was inserted...

Of course, I was "to blame" for that and led to his stating "You're no damn good...!" As my brother said at the time, "alot of trouble for a lousy catheter..."

I also didn't mention in my earlier post that sexual abuse was included in my 18 years with those people.... Both me and my brother. And violence. Just one example : I am 50% Puerto Rican. All through school i was called "spic" and other dispicable names due to my heritage. One day I was jumped by 5 or 6 kids and beaten bloody. After the neighbor left who had half carried me home, my "father" beat me nearly unconscious for "losing the fight." Apparently I had "embarrassed him... I was 6.

Now I don't say these things to make anyone feel sorry for me. What's done is done. I'm dealing with them in therapy. I only list them in order to give some idea of the mentality I'm dealing with.

My father is mentally ill. And as he gets older, it's getting worse. (he's 85) He's now seeing "Nazis" and experiencing other delusions. He really is a danger to himself but adamantly refuses any help whatsoever. I've tried.....

So finally I had to make the difficult decision to walk away and let providence take care of him. And it pains me to say that we probably never will have the type of "re-newal" you described. It DOES pain me to say that.

For in spite of the stories, in spite of the effects I feel today - I still miss that man. Whether it's him I miss or the dad I wish I had is debatable. What's not debatable today - for me - is that for me to continue to go back to him, expecting things to be different, is - again for me - the definition of insanity.

I can't do it anymore.... And that pains me to say.