I need to hear from some folks with serious chronic illnesses. I have aplastic anemia. The more I read about it, the worse the news gets, and now I am totally obsessed with death.

Now, I'm doing pretty well at the moment, but I was just dx'd in early December. I'll get off my major med for it in July or August. My T is moving to Tennessee shortly, and I don't intend, for now, to replace him. But I am freaking out over what might happen once I go off the med. What if my platelet count suddenly drops by 100,000? I'll be back in the hospital, getting a bone marrow transplant.

Butbutbut, did you know that your chances of surviving more than 2 years with a bone marrow transplant that doesn't come from a sibling are very, very slim? And that if you're over 40 (I turn 41 in April), it's even worse? And that even if you go into remission, and survive nicely for another 10 years, the stupid disease can come back and kill you THEN?

Part of this is fueled by the fact that a lovely old man at church -- and granted, he was old -- had been ill for a bit, recovered, was doing fine, talked to a fellow usher Friday night and said he would be at the 4:30 Saturday Mass as usual -- and they found him dead Saturday morning. Yeah, he was 89, and I'm 40, but I freak out over stuff like that. I had a blood clot in my lung (thank you, hormonal birth control) when I was 27. I was having some bad pain, so the dr. wrote me orders for Demerol. I totally refused it. I think I stayed up for 3 days straight. My dad worked near the hospital and would come visit over lunch, and he'd keep trying to get me to get some sleep, and I kept saying, "I'm not going to sleep until I'm positive I'm waking up again." And that's kind of how this feels now.

I'm a nutjob, I know. I just need a little reassurance!

Thanks.

Candy