Queen of Chaos, you are a perfect example of learned perceptions. And I am very sorry that you had to experience that growing up.

You have not been a member of PC very long but you have very productive and supportive input. Your past has taught you to have a desire to understand and even help others but you have no real idea how to add to that by accepting others to be a part of you. But that is not your fault, it was instilled in you by your mother.

You now have the ability to stand back and look at your mother and even identify her short comings. And I am sure that those short comings were handed to her by her own parents or life situations growing up. You have a likeable quality because you can see where you were not nurtured in your past. In recognizing that you have compassion to reach out to others and offer them what you know you did not receive yourself, hense your admission of knowing many. Because you genuinely know how it feels to be handed a barrier that allows others to engage you. Your comfort zone is in the giving, you were never taught how to recieve. It is not your fault and it doesn't mean you are not worthy, you just don't know how to do it. It was not engaged or acceptable in your youth.

To be honest I can see much of that in myself, but it is very common. In fact as I look my own mother I see a woman who struggled with seeing what she didn't get, wondering if she had any real value, and yet wanting others to have a sense of value. And I have listened to her talk about how she was taught that she was not allowed to interact with the wealthy crowd that summered on the island her father bought and built up. So she was raised to question her self worth. And one thing she tried to teach her children is self worth. But, that is a talent or indication of a true gift Queen of Chaos. Because that kind of past can lead someone into different directions. One direction can be a complete distrust and even anger and isolation from others altogether. And it can also present an unbelievable pesimistic view of humanity as a whole. And it can also lead to an incredible social discomfort in which even a compliment is considered a threat or form of criticism. But if the direction is to give to others what you did not receive yourself, there is a true value and strength and good heart behind that.

The fact that you are aware of how the fundamentals to an all around healthy interaction with others was not presant in your past is a beginning. And the journey for most people is learning how to stop feeling as if they are never going to be worthy or have to carry shame or even anger for what they never had. It can be a social standing all unto itself that has nothing to do with any form of monetary success or power. And any gain in monetary success and power can never truely fill the void of that psychological lack of social standing that was never presented to begin with or nurtured.

And there is never going to be a magic pill that can fill that individual void. A medication can help us to maintain a chemical need that years of denial can perhaps cause an imbalance as we respond with the lack of a proper nurturing. But the real answer is receiving therapy and guidance to help each person learn how to accept and overcome the lack of proper building blocks that are essential to self acceptance and growth.

One of the things I struggle with is how so many people seem to evade the truth.
And there always seems to be an ever ending search for the truth. The reality is that in order to truely see it, or experence it, it has to be taught from the beginning. And it has to be taught along with a nurturing of developing individual self esteem and strength. Otherwise there is just too much internal doubt to even think that there is any real strength or capacity for truth. Because in order to be a truthful person and really stand by it, one has to have a strength in base or core from the beginning. Standing up and demanding the truth requires a great sense of internal strength that many people are never taught when they are growing up.

I was sent a painting on the search of Diogenes for the truth or the man who holds the truth. In that painting he is old and surrounded by many different people who have a wonder and questioning look on their faces. It is almost as if the painting is truely capturing the debate if truth even exists. The old man portrayed in the picture has such a determined expression on his face, almost an anger and yet a look of determination in his eyes.

It is an old painting of a different time but is very relivant even today. If I were to paint an answer to that painting, I would depict that very man realizing that what he really needed to do was stop, and face those around him and teach the truth. However that would not truely change the look of frustration and determination and even weariness on this mans face. But it is the only way to end the search, the truth has to be taught and presented and believed and defended for it to ever have enough power to be seen or found. For someone to truely have the truth, one has to be taught the truth and be willing to defend it.

But it also has to entail someone having the strength and will to be honest with themselves.
And most people are afraid of just that so they follow along and often cannot even recognize the real truth. As many are never truely nurtured properly, it is easier to live the lie than recognize or face the truth.

The painting is on my page, the Byzantine kindly sent it to me. You are welcome to view it if you like. Sorry that I don't know how to put it here.

Open Eyes