I have never seen in writing all that I feel. What you have written is almost like I wrote it... You sound like your head is barely above the water and that every wave sends you down a little bit further- well, that's how I'm feeling anyway. Even with all my supports in place there are some things that cannot just be magically fixed, and our mood is one of them. I have never wanted to end it all- I have ALWAYS said to every dr I have seen that all I want to do is fall asleep and wake up when everything is 'summery'- warm, flowery and happy. It feels weird that so many other people actually feel the same way as I do- I have never been brave enough before to talk to anyone about it. I hope that the waves get smaller and that slowly you can make your way back to the shore and put your feet back on the nice warm sandy beach...