Sleeps,

I can sure understand where you are right now. For some reason the psychology program they thought would help me ended up putting me in a whole so deep (lets see 6 ft by whatever they usually dig up). I found myself in the groups being the one that was doing the talking & the crying & becoming so hysterical that I couldn't handle myself. I have realized that all my life I have always asked too many questions that there are NO answers for. I think there are some things in our lives that there will never be any answers for until we are on a different plane of existance.

I remember my parents getting mad at me because they didn't think I was the person they wanted me to be because I asked questions that they couldn't answer..& no one else could answer either.....but then I never thought my parents were smart enough to know the answers. I would exhaust myself asking myself questions that couldn't be answered & I have found that is exactly what is happening now after my Mothers death & the things that happened surrounding her death. I see things so differently than the "church' does....not that I don't see things that way too, but I see so that there is probably so much more that isn't able to be understood in the state I am in. It is scarring me & I think my questions scared the people at the psychology program I went to also.....they never knew what to say when I asked the questions I have going on in my head.....the worst part is that it is exhausting....& I understand your exhaustion. I have been in bed for 2 weeks without getting my head out from under the covers & still feel that way. I am tired of thinking I just wish my head would quit......& the tears would just give me a small break. I am so tired of feeling so different & so tired of not being able to find a place to get my questions answered. Life is so complicated that I feel exactly like you do....even with a foal coming in April....I fear that I will not be able to be the strong person I was with my last foal....& I so want to bond like I did with Izzy. I haven't even been able to be with my horses. My husband has been kind enough to take care of them so I could stay locked up in my room after I kinda got kicked out of the psychology program at the hospital because I physically & mentally couldn't take the stress I ended up going through with it. Like you.....I just want it to all go away......then I am afraid that I am going to depression & anxiety along with PTSD my estate money away & end up with nothing because I am now even able to function anymore.

Life in itself is rather scarry on top of being exhausting......& without a way to figure out how to stop it all....makes it even rougher.

My heart goes out to you & hope that soon you will be able to get through this whole or ditch or whatever it can be called. Unfortunately for me, I see to have come to the conclusion that I have tried all the help that is available & it doesn't work......so in my mind, my conclusion is that I am going to have to be the one that helps myself & right now I am just not strong enough to do it & wonder if I ever will be. This is such a different experience than I had with my fathers death, I can't put my questions away nor my bad feelings about what my Mother did to herself......feeling as though her ignoring what was completely obvious was basically a suicide in its own way even though it could have been just denial. Her life was good & she had a boyfriend from her church who they were planning a trip to Hawaii together (but never getting married). Complicated situations like what I just lived through only bring out more questions in my own mind & they always seem to be questions that no one else seems to ask.....so I wonder why my mind workes the way it does.....causing more exhaustion because I just want my brain to stop thinking.....& like you (even though I have almost successfully ended my life several times)....I can still see why people just END IT except when they are happy with their life like my Mother seemed to be.....why she ended it the way she always swore she never would is beyond my minds capability to understand.

I have been under the covers lately & haven't been able to say much on PC because I have been too wound up in myself to even try to understand others problems, I do hope that you will soon get out of your slump like I hope I will get out of mine.

Thinking of you & sharing your emotions,
Debbie