...because I'm SURE I have avoidant personality disorder, and have had it all my life, even though I haven't been officially diagnosed with it. And I can tell you that it has ruined my life. This crippling shyness and quietness. I feel that life has passed me by because of this. I wish I could be born as another person who was witty and confident. How much happier life would be if I could break out of these chains, but I know I never will. It is what it is.

I was lucky enough to get SOME attention due to the fact that people seemed to think I was pretty and I could play the piano. And there have been certain people who I've gotten to where I was comfortable with and who have loved me. I'm thankful for that. But let me tell you, going to parties, social functions, dinners with people I don't know very well or who intimidate me--these have been absolute torture for me and I end up coming home extremely depressed after them. I'm not a story-teller or a funny type. If the conversation isn't about something I know well or am interested in, I become extremely quiet and self-conscious and beat myself up because of it.

I actually enjoy just keeping to myself because of this. Being around people makes me feel badly about myself--and I mean very badly. My husband died recently, and I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I'm getting older, so I feel like my looks are gone and I'm invisible.

This is the first time I've talked about this or admitted feeling like this to anyone. My mom was the same way, and always made me feel it was an insult when someone called you "quiet", made me feel like it was a shameful thing. Well, I've heard the word all my life, I'm sure you can imagine how inadequate I feel.

I know I can't be reborn as someone else with a different (and better) personality. I'm stuck with this one until I die. I wish there was a magic pill that would make you likeable and interesting. But I don't think so.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, guys. It was a little therapeutic just to get it out.