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Elysium · Aug 07, 2011, 01:47 AM

In 1994, I met this guy. He was about 3 yrs older than me. I was 17 and he was 21. He was my neighbor and lived in a one bedroom apartment with his Mother who, although undiagnosed, suffers from pretty severe schizophrenic/Bi-polar type symptoms.

At the time, my parents were divorced and I didn't have many good friends. Him and I struck up a friendship. I found him to be hilarious. He could always make me smile. We had such good times and he was always there to talk with whenever life got crappy. We weren't sexually involved....I was more into women and he saw me more as a younger sister. But I think we loved each other.

In 1996, I moved away to Oregon. We lost contact for a while, but would always end up finding one another somehow and we would talk on the phone or online. When I would come back to California to visit friends or family, we would get together, but that was only a few times. I finally moved back to California just last year and moved to the San Diego area, mainly because I knew that he was there and I would at least have someone close to me that I cared about.

After being away from our friendship for almost 15 years, it was like we picked up where we left off. We starting hanging out together. I started laughing harder than I had laughed in a long time, and we had so many stories to tell about where we had been the last 15 years of our lives. It was great. It was weird at the same time too, though. I had spent the last 15 years going to College, learning about how to cope with my disorders, surviving depressive episode after depressive episode, and building a career. I had grown up and although still behind the eight ball in many areas of life, I'm now doing better than I ever have been before. He on the other hand.....it was like he just didn't move in life. He's still living with his Mother....and he's 37. He was still waiting for some "supposed" contact to come through with a loan of money for him so he could fund a business. The same business he was attempting to fund back in 1996 when I moved. He was not in School, and him and his Mother STILL shared a one bedroom apartment. He is unable to financially support himself and hides in his Mother's place because she gets housing due to her disabilities. So his landlord can't know he lives there.

Anyway....over the last 9 months of re-establishing our relationship, there have been several times when he would make plans with me and either not show up or cancel at the last minute; he's a total flake. There have also been times when we have gone out together for dinner or movies and we had agreed to pay our own ways, and he would conveniently forget his money or not have enough on his debit or credit card to cover his share, and I would have to pay for him. With all this, I began to feel disrespected and angry at him. I also began to see some other parts of his personality that kind of scared me, like he is ALWAYS yelling at his Mother and he states he hates her. Then he tells me that he got her to sign a life insurance policy and states "It's the least she can do for me." He tells me that when he was in College and studied abroad in France, in 1996, before he dropped out, that he had gotten this girl drunk at a Bar in France and that they went back to her Hotel room and that they had sex. He said "she didn't say no. She was too drunk. I kind of felt bad because I knew she couldn't make good decisions for herself, but I had sex with her anyway. I guess she shouldn't have been drinking." He then stated that he felt badly because "it was kind of like Raping her", but the way he said it....he smiled while saying it and laughed. It wasn't like he felt bad at all. It was like he was bragging. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I decided, after these, and some other things happened, that I felt I should take a break from the friendship. Inside, I wasn't sure if he was the best person for me to be hanging out with. I had this gut instinct that kept telling me to stay away from him....so I did. I told him that I needed some time away from the relationship. He would text me and try and call me and I wouldn't return his calls or messages. I felt bad because I wasn't explaining to him why, but finally he got the message...or so I thought. Just this last week he started texting me again and contacting me on my FB account. He started saying that he had tried to be patient with me, but that he was no longer going to come chasing after me. I think he was trying to get me to come running for him, cause when I didn't, he turned ugly. Stupidly, I entrusted him with the fact that I had DID earlier in the year. Now he was sending me emails and saying that I was a "Schizo" and that even though I didn't have any "real friends", I had all the friends in my head I could ask for. He started saying that he didn't know how I could function in my career and he started calling me names like _itch, and _unt, and leaving me messages like "F-off you F-in Psycho", and stuff like that.

I realize that this is his issue, and that he is way more immature than I thought....and maybe even way more dangerous. He actually is quite the narcissist and more anti-social than I initially realized. I took it like a pro though and didn't engage him. I didn't sink to his level either. I wanted to. I still want to. But I haven't. I have told him that I think he is also ill and that he needs help, and I have stood up for myself, but I haven't let him take me down to his level, which would have been so easy for me to do.

So for the past week, I've been feeling pretty good with the choice I made to back away from the relationship, and I have since decided that he is no longer a person I will be interacting with in any way. Definitely no longer a person I would call a friend. But tonight......I think it sunk in.

For the first time, tonight, it hurts.

All the things he said in his emails. Stupid things about me being the size of a walrus, and smelling like one too. All the stupid, elementary things that last week didn't make me bat an eye....tonight they hurt. Tonight I feel alone. Tonight I morn the friendship that I thought was there, but that isn't anymore. Why do people do this? Why do people act as friends and then turn around and become enemies?

The reasonable mind in me knows that HE is the one that is messed up. The emotional mind in me blames myself and agrees with all the hurtful stuff that he said. And the anger!!! The anger wants to lash out at him. I want to send him an email telling him that I made a video compilation of all his emails and messages and that I put it on YouTube with his contact information...that he'll never find it and that everybody will be able to see what an A-Hole he is, and that I sent it to his Senior Manager at his work because he is a A-hole. I haven't done this. I am not going to do it either, even though I really want to. It would totally freak him out and piss him off because it would make him look bad in other people's eyes.

Anyway...I guess my point is....I'm really hurt by this. The angry child inside wants stupid, juvenile vengeance. The younger children inside are scared, but it is because we are all so hurt.

I cried a little earlier, but I don't know where the tears went. Now I just sit here wishing I could get him back for everything stupid he said. The adults say that we're better than that. But why does it feel like he's won?

Why am I the one who is left holding the bag of hurt and betrayal?

Sorry this was so long.