Hi Dinosaurs,

I think what you want does count very much...but from your quotes underneath your signature...I'm not sure but that connections, very safe connections...are not what you really do want.

I've lived inside my walls for almost 6 years now, and briefly got out for a while and was with others for a while--and it was glorious. I truly believe that connections are the answer...on our own terms and with the right people. I believe what Soup Dragon said to you. And, I think maybe, just maybe, you are fighting being told and pushed so hard by your T. I used to do the same thing until it happened 'naturally'.

I often do not look at my T for a whole session, and leave and feel empty and so alone... I hope you don't feel that way.. I used to think I NEVER wanted to be out, or was not safe to be around, or never wanted to be around other people again...it hurt too much, and was just too confusing, and I didn't know how. I used to never look people in the eye and wonder why I always knew what people said and what shoes they wore, but not remember their faces...

Now I am back inside the walls, and it hurts so much worse since I was out and know the difference in what it can be like. Being out of my walls had its own set of drawbacks and problems, and it was not easy, but it was like being free. Now, I want to be free again one day...soon.

I actually asked my T to hold out his hand the other day so I could touch his finger tips...like somehow to connect and get him to remember that I was still in here. And in a way, he's the only one that knows that I'm here, or what I can be, or where I am...I don't want to be forgotten in here...

I hope that you will find connections with your therapist again, with us, and maybe in a small, controlled group setting with others like you, or one-on-one with people who are similar...that are safe for you..and building on those experiences...you will become braver and braver with each new experience over time. That's the way that I finally made it out--and hope to again one day.

I wish you only healing, only freedom, and some peace and joy, only friendship, understanding, and companionship, and connections on your terms--and no one else's. I don't think we can truly heal in a vacuum or without the support and guidance of others...I think we are hard-wired to be connected in one way or another, to ourselves and to others, but that is only my single, lone opinion...having seen the other side and living in here again.

Maybe holding on to that vision of freedom and the way your heart will expand and grow and feel contentment and joy, will help you be a little braver and try just a little, to make a few small connections that feel safe to you.

Please don't laugh, but I always picture my heart growing like the Grinch's in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas movie when it grows to like 3X it's size in that little red box, until it busts that box wide open after he returns all the gifts and Christmas trees and stuff to the little Whos down in Whoville... lol

I hope this made some sense, somehow....and brought some hope. Sorry it was so long.

Most Respectfully,

Wysteria Blue