(((((((((skysblue)))))))

Oh, boy, I SO get what you're talking about.

I have had emotional reactions like that to things that happen with T...things that appear from the outside to be "no big deal" but that trigger something deep, deep inside.

I'm not even sure I would call the reactions "dysfunctional". T has told me (over and over again) that feelings are information. I think they probably always serve a function.

For me, when those big feelings would come up with T, it was pointing directly at something from my past. And even if we never found out what that thing was, by working through it together, something inside was healed a little bit.

You are obviously feeling the feelings...for me, the next step is to talk to T about them. Even though I *want* to run away more than anything, I MAKE myself move *towards* T. And we talk and talk and talk and talk about it, and usually, I end up having to take a leap of faith and try trusting him again, and in the end, I actually end up feeling a little safer than I did before the rupture happened.

T and I have a very close relationship...and he has said before that part of that closeness is BECAUSE we have worked through so many of these sorts of things.

It used to happen a lot, and now it's super rare...and I think it's because I've internalized a new message. T isn't someone from my past who is going to hurt me, or who wishes I was never born, or who sends mixed messages that I have to try to figure out or suffer big consequences. T is someone who cares, and who believes in me, and who wouldn't hurt me intentionally, ever. He's "replaced" so many of those old messages/experiences by giving me a chance to redo them with him.

I know it's SUCH a hard place to be, skysblue. When do you see T again? For me, the only real relief comes when I can see T and start working through it.
to you.