whether it's starving my self or trying to recover, i have no control. i do exactly the opposite than i want to.

if i decide that i want to stop this ******** and get better, i end up not eating for 4 days but if i decide to fast for a week i end up binging that night. i can't do trick myself because it's ****ing impossible to do that.

i'm so conflicted about everything it's really messed up and stupid and i can't do anything, not even explain how i'm feeling about this.