What's even more confusing to me than why I've cared so much about my former T ("care" being something of a sliding scale though in this case) is why it happened with only this one T. I mean, I didn't even feel that way with a T who (by her own admission) got way too emotionally wrapped-up in me, which caused her to openly risk her license in doing something she thought knew was illegal, but might save my life (I actually wasn't even suicidal at the time). I mean, I certainly had a deep appreciation for her, but I spent very little time preoccupied with her outside of therapy sessions.

With my last T, however, I felt something beyond mere "care" just 3-4 months into therapy. In every sense of the word, I was protective of her. I even bought her the book "The Gift of Fear" at one point because I worried about her being in her office building alone after I left (which was generally around 8 or 9pm since I was always her last appt.). She also once told me that she interpreted some of my ostensibly self-serving actions (meaning that I painted, or thought of them, that way) as actions that were actually meant to somehow protect or defend her. (I still don't understand that fully.)

Since it's not as if I became any happier or more well-adjusted while in her care (though I did become more self-aware), I'm completely perplexed as to where this emotional hold has come from. And I never once became disillusioned about the nature of our "relationship" (a word I find loaded and presumptuous in a therapeutic context anyway), but all of these feelings came about just the same.

While still in therapy, I expressed to her the feeling that I was emotionally investing in a ghost...when I emotionally invest in so few others outside of my family. It just really felt, and still feels, like such a waste.

Okay, I'm really being a downer today, so I'll stop there.