Hello all,

I'm looking to find helpful ways to stop letting what others stay stick in my head, even if i know its not true.

A little about my past:

I had an abusive childhood, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive.

Age 1-11: I didn't have much abuse since my father was always protective of me and validated ALL my feelings, it was like I was always right.

Age 11-16/17: my brother inlaw sexually abused me and emotionally abused me and invalidated me, embarrassed me, constantly shamed me.

Age 11-26: constant invalidation from my parents, my father became verbally abusive, put downs, and name calling. My mom awefully critical of each and every single thing from how I sit/live/do things/talk/walk/wear/etc etc...

Now, I'm 27. Had 3 months of therapy earlier this year, it was all i could afford. My bf at that time had betrayed me, not the first time that someone has betrayed me. I had a emotional breakdown because he was all i had, I didn't have any "close" friends because I didn't know how to make any as I was never allowed from ages 11-18.

When I had the emotional breakdown, I was very depressed and I had hit rock bottom as I was in a relationship where my bf constantly invalidated me, called me illogical ( i found out I'm extremely perceptive AND logical after I went to therapy and i had good intuition, wasn't paranoid or anything.).. he was verbally/emotionally abusive. When I told him I felt like I had no place to go and felt like dying.. he called the non emergency cops on me, and one of the cops WITHOUT hearing me out, simply asked:

Cop: were you about to kill yourself?
Me: No, I just..
Cop: well, obviously there's some sort of personality disorder there...

He didn't even listen to me! all he did was speak to my bf and after that i dont know what the hell he told him, my bf stopped talking to me and left.

Later I found out, that cop told him to stay away from me and that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He claimed to be an ex-therapist. He BARELY SPOKE TO ME AND WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME DIAGNOSED ME WITHIN 5 minutes. WTF! (excuse my french but i'm seriously so angry about this incident)

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NOW, this is what I'm having issues with, my therapist and I went over the DSM and determined that althougth I do have some traits of BDP, I can't be diagnosed with it because I dont have all.

I dont cut myself
I dont threaten to die
I dont do rash things all of a sudden, no drugs, nothing of that sort, i'm a pretty good kid.
I dont get angry at anyone going out of town/trips.

I am scared of getting hurt of being betrayed and due to this fear, I'm overprotective, sometimes i dont get into relationships because of this fear or because someone might be rude to me in the future.

And I do have a hard time figuring out my career goals but thats because I'm split between my head and heart. By heart I want to be an actor but its so risky that by head, I feel like i should do finance (just got my masters).

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So, now i constantly check online from time to time, whether I do have bdp. its stuck in my head so badly!

Oh yes i do get angry but its usually when I'm abused in some way or provoked because it triggers the past for me.

Also, the other day my sister said my hair looks really light, meaning I'm having hair fall. I am aware it doesnt look light but I know my sister does this to me on purpose constantly checking whether she can break down my confidence and usually i'll dismiss it because I catch her game, but it still BOTHERS ME! i start checking whether its true!

And yes i do have a hard time figuring myself out but its not like i'm changing identities daily.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? DO I HAVE BDP ? WHY DO I LISTEN TO OTHERS AND LET IT BOTHER ME?

ANY WAY TO COPE WITH THIS?

Please help!

sorrry about the long post!