I originally started posting a point-by-point reply but I got a little bit triggered so it'll be briefer than I'd like.

One thing that stands out to me is that the way I interpret his emails, it almost seems like he's talking down to you. Now I'm not surprised completely that he doesn't want counselling, the idea being that "you cheated, why should I have to do anything" makes sense to me. But you say that this isn't just since the cheating and he mentions that when you went previously, it was all for you. It feels to me that he places himself above counselling but puts you right on that level, and again, in that angry circle of despair, I felt the same way; but for you I'm looking at the bigger pre-cheating issue. And the way he mentions your issues, we all have them, not only here but on the planet. I'm about 99% sure he has issues of some sort, but his wording makes me feel like he's waiting for a medal.

Another point I remember is his/his mother's view of your family. Every family is different and I don't know if he's getting credit for that. I'm very appreciative of the things my family does, but we don't verbalize it often; instead we continue the circle, I'll "repay" by picking up dinner or something. Know what I mean? Rather than "Thank you for doing ___" directly, I would make sure to say yes to a favour next time I'm asked.

When it comes to your son, right now I understand him feeling like he loves him more. That might entirely be his hurt talking, and I would hope that would change in time as he sees that you are not your mistake. Yes, it can be confusing when you have a non-traditional family structure, but I truly believe that coming from a family that is loving and supportive is so much more important than having a married mother and father. There are many single parents who date, many choose not to introduce all of their dates to their children so as to avoid this confusion, but this isn't an impossible situation.

The question that circled my head all day, every day was "why/how" I just felt like I needed to understand, something, anything. I couldn't shut that voice up. Unfortunately, I could not ever figure out why it happened, that was for my bf. I think for your bf, having an answer is easier to accept, so he's put one on the table, but like me, he can't find the real answer. That's your job and it might be a long one. I remember asking my bf "what? Did you forget about me? Did you forget you were in a relationship, were we that disposable? Or did you just not care?" No easy answer there. The ability to compartmentalize hugely came into play. Near the end he realized how wrong what he was doing. He chose to compartmentalize because he liked the feeling of having someone be so attracted to him. Someone that has no bias (being in a relationship, he spun that I have to say ___).

Have I mentioned the tests I gave at all yet? For the past...it's probably not over yet...when I start to get upset and feel like it's not worth it to try and continue the relationship, I test his commitment. I tell him "I'm done" and if I'm really down I'll start to through mud to try and get him to say "you're right, this isn't worth it". As devastating as that would be, it would prove that small voice in my head right -that one that says, "he cheated because he doesn't love you/wants out etc". That voice believes it's just a matter of time, so when it gets to speak out loud, it tries to speed up the process.

How you have changed. We are changed by our experiences. Losing your mom () will affect you. But as you go through the stages of grief, I do believe that happiness and optimism will come back