((((mother1))))

I was about your "son's" age when I began my own transition. I'm now living full-time and post-op as my preferred gender. I've also become active in educating others about transgender issues. Please keep in mind that I am only referring to your son in the masculine for simplicity and because it is unclear how he identifies. If it were clear that he was transgender, I'd be using female pronouns instead, out of respect for his identity. Also, keep in mind that while this is all brand new to you, your son has probably been "in the closet" about this for months, or even years, all the while researching the process of transition and exploring his gender in secret, or with the support of a select few friends that he has come out to, and possibly with contacts he has made within the transgender community. So right now, he is the expert on this. He knows all about what GID is, what steps are available to him for transition, and which ones he wants to go through.

Based on what you've written here, you sound to me like a caring mother who just wants what's best for your son, regardless of whether than means he transitions or not, and, in the case that he turns out to be genuinely transgender, that you would be supportive of his transition to female. That's pretty easy to portray when you're sitting down and taking the time to type and read through what you are posting. Not always as easy to do when you've just been stunned by the bit of news your son has just told you! Nevertheless, it sounds like you made your best effort to make that clear to your son, and for that I applaud you! I only wish I'd had a mother like you when I first came out!

Alas, my first thought in reading your story was that there was in all likelihood, something lost in translation here. What you said to your son to convey a note of caution, could have easily been misconstrued by your son. In other words, when you said "let's take our time with this," he heard "I'm scared of this, and I want to put up roadblocks to prevent you from transitioning." Also, when you say "you need to go through counselling before you transition to make sure this is what you really want", your son could be thinking to himself, "you're just another person who thinks I'm crazy, don't you???" It's common for trans people to go through a period where they are fully consumed by thoughts about their gender issues, and have little room left to think about others around them. This period often lasts from first researching how to transition, to when they are comfortable living full time in their preferred gender and feel more normalized. Unfortunately this has the effect of making the trans person perceived as self-centered and unthinking, which contributes to your negative image of him. Added to this is your frustration at his "laziness," which could very easily be due to depression caused by his dysphoric feelings about his gender. I had a similar experience when I came out to my dad, which is too bad because had I handled coming out better, a lot of pain could have been saved on both sides.

When coming out goes badly, it's not uncommon for people to try to retract their statements and go back in the closet. I think that might be what happened here. Because of how your son misinterpreted your response, he no longer feels safe about talking to you about his gender issues, and so he wants to go back to the way things were when he was still in the closet. If you want to get him to open up to you, address this misinterpretation. Get him to understand that you only want what's best for him, and if it turns out that he is indeed transgender, that you want to be there by HER side, all the way, to support her.

Now, a little bit of Trans 101 for you. Not all trans people are heterosexual in their identified gender. Trans women are not all a homogenous group of people who act the same way. Everyone's experience with gender is different. Thus, there are trans women who are lesbian (which may be the case with your son, particularly as it sounds like he has come out to his girlfriend and has her support) or bisexual, as well as trans people who are straight. Liking girls isn't necessarily a sign that your son is not trans. For example, while I am currently in a relationship with a great guy who I love dearly, I have had relationships in the past with other women, and could just as easily be in a relationship with a woman again, should we break up in the future. I never started dating men until after I started to present as a woman.

Trans people also don't always show classic "signs" they are trans either. While some children express adamantly that they are another gender at ages as early as 3 or 4, others don't realize or don't reveal their gender issues until later in life. Your son may have spent years in denial, trying to be as masculine as possible, or he may have been afraid to let others see this side of himself. I spent 8 years myself trying to be "the best man that I could be" - and failed miserably at it. Unfortunately my family didn't believe me when I came out precisely because I hid my femininity so well. Another possibility is that you are in denial, and overlooking some behaviours that may have been quite apparent to your son.

Going back to the idea that everyone experiences their gender differently, not all trans people get "the surgery" (SRS, or Sex Reassignment Surgery), or go through a standard set of steps in order to become a woman. In fact, the line between man and woman is far more blurry than we like to think. Even within a gender there is a LOT of variation. Some women are girly girls, some are tomboys and some are in between. I often tell people that I never transitioned to become a woman, but that I transitioned in order to become ME. I did it so that I could feel comfortable with my body and with who I am as a person. For me, it meant changing my hormonal makeup, my body's shape, how I present myself to others, and, my genital configuration. I was very uncomfortable with my former genitalia, but your son might be ok with having a penis, regardless of his gender identity, which is fine. It's especially common for trans men to not get "bottom surgery," in their case, often because f-m bottom surgery is much less functional and realistic than m-f bottom surgery. Also, not all trans people want to transition from one binary gender to the other. Many see themselves as between genders, a third gender, genderless, bigendered, or androgynous. Bottom line, there is no one right way to be transgendered and no one right way to transition.

Medically speaking, Gender Identity Disorder is listed in the DSM-IV as a mental illness. While more and more medical professionals are understanding that "GID" is not a mental illness at all, but a normal variation in a person's gender identity, many professionals still perceive it to be a mental illness that needs to be "cured" or controlled. Many therapists and psychiatrists act as "gatekeepers" whose goal it is to prevent people from transitioning, with allowing one to transition seen as a last resort only. Your son might be afraid you want to have him see one of these gatekeepers. However, in rare cases, someone with a genuine mental illness (such as bipolar disorder) can cause a person to think they are trans, and so the counselling process is a good idea to screen for this sort of situation. However, in practice, many trans people have concurrent mental illnesses that do not account for their gender identity. Having bipolar disorder myself, I would be one of those trans people. My gender identity has never changed or wavered as my moods fluctuate or treatments have changed. In practice, almost all people who claim to be trans, however, eventually transition, sometimes after years in denial, even to themselves.

Alright, well I hope I've given you enough insight into how your son might be feeling or thinking to help you talk to him. If you have any more questions, feel free to post them here, or send me questions via PM, and I will try your best to help you. You sound like a genuinely caring mom who just wants your son to be content with himself, which is exactly what your son needs right now, regardless of whether he is trans or not. You should give yourself a pat on the back for making that effort, especially because many of us don't get that support from our parents.

Best wishes to both you and your son!