skysblue,

You need to be honest with your therapist. What you have asked here or even stated has to be said to her.

If your therapist happens to hurt your feelings than you need to tell her. You have to do that because you obviously need to learn how to tell people when they hurt your feelings. You can't just walk away holding all the anger and doubt and confusion inside of you. When you do that you invite depression into the picture.

I have a feeling that you are conflicted with feelings that you may have for a parent or sibling. You want to yell and tell them off for hurting you and yet you want them to love you so you ignore and hide the hurt. It sounds to me that is an area that you never learned to deal with. And that is not unusual as there are so many parents that say mean things to their children and their children don't know how to respond. So what happens is many children grow up and just take abuse and hold it all in, and they become very unhappy people who have no real sense of boundaries or even a clue on how to set boundaries.

So you need to address this with your therapist. You need to tell her your actual feelings and also tell her that you need to learn how to express displeasure when someone hurts you in a way that you feel safe and you also feel is appropriate.

Because what you are talking about here is one of your big issues. You don't really know how to respond to someone who hurts your feelings. And what that really means is you have not learned how to set personal boundaries and inforce those boundaries correctly.

Going to a therapist is not supposed to be a battle. A good therapist is not there to poke holes in you, a good therapist is there to help you find your holes and set a plan on how to fill them.

So let me ask you this? Was it really what the therapist said or was she saying something that reminded you of how others in your past have hurt you? Now you want to yell at her and express your displeasure of how she hurt you. But you didn't do it, why? You said you want to be the patient she adores right? Well, I think she would rather have a patient that really shared their troubles and was honest and she actually got to do her job. If your therapist can help you overcome your hidden issues and does a good job and sees you learn and improve, that would probably lend more to you being her favorite patient than some girl that sits and is nicey nicey all the time. And did you ever think she may be testing your reactions to her statements? Maybe she wants to see how you have made boundaries, or "NOT".

No matter how intelligent someone is or how talented they are, there is always a hole. And most of those holes come from lousey parenting and it is not really the person's fault. Therapy is not about how good you are about hiding your holes.
Therapy only works if you are smart enough, have enough desire and drive to actually show your holes and get the help you need to fill them.

Start being honest about your feelings and holes with your therapist. Forget about hiding and presenting a pretend face that in reality needs to learn to be real instead of just pretend.

Open Eyes