Open Eyes, - you said that so well. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Yeah, I know this is projection and I know that therapists love it when our personal issues land in the therapy room with the therapist. I know this is something I need to overcome. It all comes down to believing myself to be 'bad'. I know it comes from childhood, even though I don't remember my childhood.

So, here it is - I know this is my issue; I know it stems from childhood; my T and I have talked about it; I know I'm scared of rejection and abandonment and so does T; I know all these bad parts of myself but... still, does 'acting out' ever solve anything?

I already 'got into trouble' with her with my iPod a few months ago. Facing her disapproval is too much for me to handle. I know that so why should I do things that might increase the odds of her getting mad at me? That makes no sense. We already know the problem but doing or saying things that might hurt her feelings doesn't seem the way to solve the problem.

T and I have been round and round on this issue (not the hurting T's feelings part, though). It just seems unsolvable and letting all feelings just flop out without restriction seems kind of, idk, animalistic or primal or infantile or????

I appreciate the feedback and your suggestions are good but, dang, I'm so conflicted on this. It makes me feel like quitting therapy because I can't see how it's going to help just yapping on and on about my 'feelings'.