You're making me laugh out loud now. Dang, you guys are great - honesty on PC is a welcome ingredient.

Okay - a delightful client cooperates with their T; she enthusiastically attempts any exercise or work that the T suggests; she listens attentively and tries to incorporate T's lessons into daily life; she brings her problems honestly and authentically to T so that they can work together to try to solve them; she also brings some lighthearted topics to session so T knows that she's more than the basket case she sees in her office; she's on time; she pays on time; she shares her triumphs along with her failures; she takes a leap of faith and goes where she's never gone before in self inquiry; she brings her whole self into therapy, not just the pretty stuff; she's willing to feel painful emotions and confront unpleasant feelings so as to be able to address them more fully; she doesn't lie (at least not consciously).

I think I have done all of the above but I guess I'm getting cold feet now that I've been TOO authentic and honest and maybe pushing boundaries too far. I guess it's beginning to feel way too painful. Before July 20th, I could go and share my problems with T and she was there to help guide me but now that we've entered transference territory, it is getting much much more difficult.

I know enough now about therapy that this is the 'gold mine' of the therapeutic process - the 'here and now'. Gosh dang though - I'm scurrying back to my burrow after being so honest with her. My T has such a soothing and comforting presence that it's almost impossible to not be candid and truthful. It's like having taken a truth serum or something and it scares the h*ll out of me.

"Make a friend ... or get help?" Of course, get help but how to do that best is the question. Brutal ugly honesty or can the honesty be couched in more pleasant garb? As I'm writing here it just came to be that there is a fear also of losing control. I think many people in therapy have a similar fear based on what I read on PC. And losing control adds to the humiliation that is already present. My T and I have talked a lot about humiliation and my sense of being 'Deeply. Flawed'. So, it's not new territory for us to explore.

The thing is though, how out-of-control might I get if I let down my guard? And what if that happened 5 minutes until the end of session? And then out on the street to fend for myself. It happened once to me and I had to sit in my car for 30 minutes before I felt safe enough to leave. T's should have a decompression chamber next to their offices for situations like that.

So, bottom line - I DON'T KNOW- total and absolute confusion.