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Aug 08, 2011, 10:17 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2011
Posts: 110
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Last one:
Quote:
From: Me
Subject: Counseling
Date: August 1, 2011 10:07:57 PM MDT
To: Him
Hello,
I actually got Oliver in bed by 9 tonight and everything else is done. Amazing! I'm going to email you and read PsychCentral a little then get started on this book I got. I have another book on request - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship. Reading that will be one of the steps I take towards considering whether I want you to come back, as you have requested I do.
I just wanted to tell you a little more about counseling. I was 15 minutes late so it went by even faster than usual. I had to throw out that "I ****ed up" the moment I sat down because if I didn't do it then, I would have lost courage. He reacted how I hoped he would - no shock or tsk-tsking. So, he asked me to tell him what happened and I ran through it. He wondered if I was drugged. I told him it had crossed my mind but it wouldn't really change anything, plus once it occurred to me it was too late to get tested and find out. I told him about the week I spent in Alaska and how it went about as well as it could have, and I mentioned I had a couple of "breakdowns" while I was there. He asked what I meant by that. I tried to explain. I told him you've been harsher and more distant (figuratively as well as literally, I suppose) since I got back to Colorado. I told him about the one time we've really had a phone conversation and how it didn't go too well. I told him your mom doesn't like me and some of my theories for that. I told him about her email. I told him LeeAnna left and Missy left. I mentioned to him that I need to work on why I was promiscuous in the past. I also mentioned that I need to figure out whether we should continue with our relationship. And we scheduled an appointment for same time next Monday. So, mostly today was just telling him the story. We didn't get too much into emotions. A little bit, but not much. Oh, I showed him the pro/con list I made regarding our relationship. He copied it and gave me the homework of ranking each item on a 1-5 scale. He said he would look it over before next week.
That's all. Do you want updates like this? Is this too much detail? Once the real emotional digging gets started, I may begin to feel the need to keep more of it to myself.
I don't think I like discussing the reasons behind why I used to be so promiscuous with you. It just feels weird that we're discussing it as a problem for me but for you it's perfectly fine, no issues there, no problems. I don't mean the cheating thing, obviously that's a huge problem that I have and you don't, but before that, we're on fairly level ground considering the number of people we've each slept with, and so it doesn't seem right that I should have to explain to you the reasons behind that past behavior, but you shouldn't have to to me. Does that make sense? It's just this societal double-standard that I've always felt was unfair. Not specifically related to our relationship, just in general. If a woman sleeps with too many men, she must have emotional issues. Not so for a man.
That's not to say I don't have emotional issues surrounding that particular behavior.
It's occurring to me lately that we have a lot of misunderstandings. Like how you thought I was saying sorry as some sort of penance, that it was causing me pain and you wanted me to feel pain. I found this paragraph:I am trying, Allen, trying so hard to do what is right in this situation, by you, by myself, and by Oliver. I'm trying to remain calm and think things through rationally. I know you are hurt and mad, I expect and understand that. I am trying to take your anger as a part of the consequences of my actions. But I don't know how much more of the type of communication you've presented in this email I can take. I truly want our relationship to work, but I can't handle much more sorrow. I'm sorry I hurt you. Truly, truly sorry. Please, please, please stop trying to hurt me.
But I did not mean that apologizing is painful for me. I meant, your anger is painful for me, but that I brought it on myself. Another example, I misunderstood you when you said "I do not care what it's done to your life because you're the one that did it." I think we are going to have to work very hard at not having these misunderstandings. We may have to practice summarizing what the other has said in our own words to prevent that. At least the major stuff. For example, you got offended when I said that it was unfair I didn't have my mom. I think you didn't quite understand what I meant by that, although you haven't responded to that email so I'm not sure. Maybe you did understand me correctly and it was still offensive to you. Oh, another example, the blame thing. Have I convinced you that my concern for your emotional well-being was in no way meant to blame you for my infidelity? We have enough issues to deal with without adding to them with stuff that isn't real, just miscommunication. I guess I'm concerned that you're going to take paragraph #4 the wrong way.
Oh, just one other thing, in that paragraph I quoted above, I'm sorry I assumed you were trying to hurt me. I don't really believe that. I was just very upset. I shouldn't have written that part.
I don't know how often you check your emails these days, but there it is. Oh, I guess you'll check at the radio station tonight.
Damn, that took 45 minutes. Geez. I guess I won't do quite so much reading tonight.
I'm sorry I've caused you emotional turmoil you didn't need added on top of your other stressors.
I love you.
Good night.
Gina
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