or what I want to say. I've been wanting to post about what has been going on with me, but there seems like too much and it is overwhelming. People have PMed me and I just keep saying that I'm thinking about posting. I really do appreciate those who have asked about me. Maybe I can do this little by little if I just convince myself that it doesn't all have to be posted all at once.

Let's see - there's a bit of background that I posted in Relationships if you haven't seen that.

Relationships are a big part of it. I'm not good at close personal relationships. Online is easier, and less threatening. I figued out a little while ago that I get irritated and push people away when they get too close, maybe because I'm afraid that if they get too close they will see what I'm really like, and then they might hate me or abandon me. So it's about self-esteem too, because I don't like myself. T says that I hate myself, but I don't like to say that. It sounds so harsh.

T expects me to do something, not just keep complaining about things I'm not willing to do anything about. But last time I saw her she told me not to make any decisions yet. I don't know if that has changed or not. All she is going to do is paraphrase whatever I say to her, until I figure things out myself. I've been too dependent all my life, and she isn't going to rescue me or give me the answers. It's frustrating. I wish that she would tell me if I'm doing anything right, but she hesitates to give me praise because usually I distort it or discredit it or ignore it, and respond by reporting a self-injury relapse, although I don't mean to or plan it that way.

I keep avoiding dealing with stuff. Three years ago I had a severe major depressive episode and was suicidal and did some serious SI. That was a wake-up call for me that I was not happy with my life and something had to change. I decided to go back to school in psychology, like I had always wanted to do and never thought that I could. I finished my BA, and went to work, and now I'm in a master's program in counseling. I'm a workaholic. T says that it's just another way of avoiding dealing with my own life (even if it's a more productive way than before).

It's still not enough of an escape though. I applied to doctoral programs, and I'm disappointed that I didn't get in, and part of my disappointment is that I would have been commuting and gone 4-5 days per week, and that would have been an escape.

I don't know if my husband is actually abusive or if I just make him out to be that way. I believe that he really does love me, a lot more than I have ever or could ever love him. ***More Guilt*** I never should have gotten married and started a family. I jumped out of one cage and into another one, without ever learning to fly on my own. I have never been strong or confident, and I want to be, and I don't know if I can ever learn as long as I am in this relationship where I am dependant on my husband, who rescued me when I couldn't see any other options (16 years ago this Thursday). Going away to school would have been controversial, but better than just plain leaving. If he were abusive, that would give me a better excuse. I'm awful for thinking this way.

Of course he is scared of what I might decide, and he's been tightening his grip by questioning everything I'm doing in therapy. He never wanted me to go to therapy again, and says that I was fine up until about three years ago when I started changing. He says that I'm supposed to be dependent on him, and that focusing on myself and my own needs is selfish, and I should put the family first. It shouldn't matter what I want.

When I talk about these things that he has said, he claims that I took it the wrong way, and wasn't really what he meant. He's not a bad guy. I don't want to hurt him. Maybe he's right. But I can't go back to what I was like three years ago.

Okay, I was just going to write a short post, but once I got started I think I kept going for a while. I can always write more later.

I could use some help with building self-esteem and confidence so that I can do something and stop running and avoiding and looking for an easy way out, and questioning everything that I think.

Thanks,
Rap