hi. i am seeking support; any that you can provide would be helpful.

i am a survivor of emotional CSA; it has caused me to give up on a love life. however, by doing so, i have ended up very depressed and friendless. my problems have also made it difficult to keep a job since it affects my interpersonal relationships. i have always been a mopey person and the abuse has left me with anger issues.

my T would like me to change my behavior but it is really deep-seated. the T wants me to have sex even if it is casual, something that i felt never met my emotional needs. the T says that any sex would be an improvement. i understand their point but, so far, have not been able to bring myself to go out and play.

psychologically, it is very complex for me. my mother raised me to be her caretaker. i had no playmates and no toys. she told me at a young age that love was not important; there were no hugs - she told me they were not necessary and she did not believe in them. i was raised isolated from the rest of the world and instructed to be obedient. i was obedient, too much so.

as a gay man, i was an effiminate child. to remedy this, mom tried to toughen me up. basically, what this did was teach me to dislike myself. today, i am not effiminate but i am also miserable. i do not feel comfortable with others who are and i have tried to live a loveless life because of my background and because i cannot come to terms with being gay. i am not very good at sex because i have mixed feelings about it. i have done a lot of volunteer work in the gay community but do not feel comfortable in it and do not fit in; i also do not find acceptance there. changing sexuality is not an option; my research on reparative therapy is that it is harmful and does not work. i have no sexual attraction to women.

i need to start dating and i desperately need to make friends and find a new career. i am seeing my T twice a week. still, i am reluctant to change since my experiences have been so bad. when dating, i get very panicked. i was never encouraged to date. i never received any dating advice (nor did my siblings). i tend to panic and say the wrong things when on a date. also, dating brings up deep feelings of hurt because it makes me realize the extent of the damage by my emotionally cold and abusing mother and neglectful father. the hurt is very, very deep. i never bonded with either parent in a loving way. my inner child is so damaged; how can you date if you don't know how to have fun and are exceedingly nervous and insecure?

does anyone else have a similar background? if you have some advice that would facilitate making changes, it would be appreciated. thanks.