Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
Our words are more about us than the other person; just because you say to your T, "You're an ignorant, arrogant, so-and-so" does not make her an ignorant, arrogant, so-and-so!  Your T has her own feelings of self worth, her own better knowledge of who she in fact is so your words merely help her see how you view the world rather than tell her anything about herself and hurt her feelings. What you say is not about "her" at all so cannot really hurt her feelings unless she is uncertain of herself and who she is (in which case she probably should not have chosen to work as a therapist).
I wouldn't censor what you say to your T, I would try to grab and discuss it, immediately upon saying it if you have a reaction to it. Your T is probably really glad you said what you said because it shows an emotion of some sort. Something "triggered" words that aren't "I don't know" or silence or bland discussion of "isn't it hot?" |
Reading what you've shared has shed some light on my motives. I think another reason why I worry about hurting her feelings is that I don't want to be seen as a 'mean' person who would do such a thing. So, you're right - it's more to do with me than with her. I still feel compelled to apologize though.
And yeah, by censoring we're holding back our true selves. But I see that that is the 'gotcha' in the relationship. The naked truth is that I don't want my true self to be seen because it's too horrible and it's too difficult to face. So, by censoring I am, in practice, hiding some more from myself and trying to pretend I'm something that I'm not.
My T does address this and we discuss that all humans have 'good' and 'bad' in them and we have a wide spectrum of 'identities'. We talked about how i set the bar very high and that's why I can't ever get past my 'badness'. She says I have unrealistic expectations about myself. No one could achieve the kind of perfection I strive for - not in work or actions but in personal integrity.
T says that everything must be revealed - that all the closed up 'rooms' of the castle must be explored. Dang, just writing this makes my stomach knot up. Wow, thanks Perna