Hey, me again, trying to get something else off my chest...

I am confused. Not sure how to put it all into words, but I'll try..
I have these strange views of my future. I have days where i think my life is going nowhere; where I have morbid thoughts, like "how I hate everything", "I'm going to die soon so why bother doing anything", etc. And I have other days where I have more positive thoughts and visions of my future... When I have those positive thoughts, though, they're replaced by the morbid thoughts... I kind of like those depressing thoughts, though... It's just a big confusing jumble in my mind. I can't clearly decide if I want to be happy with a future or depressed with no future... With those depressing thoughts in my head, I'm not in a good mood when talking to people... For example, my dad wanted me to help him and my brother do yardwork, and when my brother tried to get me outside, I refused, cussed, and even called him an a**hole... It's not that I'm angry with them... I get frustrated when I can't put my thoughts into words clearly and end up saying things I don't mean or can't take back... When I have positive thoughts, I feel guilty about anything awful I might've said (ex: I feel bad for calling my brother an a**hole when he's been nicer to me so far)... I think I'm getting off topic a bit... Anyways, the problem is I can't seem to sort out my emotions all that well. I want to happy and I want to be depressed... Any feedback would be appreciated.. I'm not sure what's been going on with my mind lately... -_-