thank you everyone for your responses and support.

i've been hesitating to respond to this because it is sort of embarrassing the way i feel about this and i know that i would advise anyone else against this, but this is a huge deal to me and i think a unique situation in some ways...

for me moving somewhere else will not be an option for a lot of reasons. the most practical of which is that i have been completely disfunctional for the past few months. even with the offers of help i am nowhere near being about to locate a suitable place, looking, making phone calls, signing a lease, setting up utilities... then the idea of packing up my stuff and deciding what to put into storage will overwhelm me. i have a home theater here that is my pride and joy and that won't work in an apartment.

i also have a lot of issues with apartment life. i never liked living in an apartment, having to watch my noise level, my hours of noise, i become very self conscious and stressed. i was like that before depression became an issue and it is one of the reasons i worked so hard to be able to afford a house. i also have trust issues with regard to neighbors and fear issues with regard to safety. these all cause a great deal of stress to me, and if i can't conquor this depression where i'm living now, where at least i am comfortable, then the added stress of moving and living in an apartment will be no environment for me to heal.

but the real problem is what my home represents to me. i was raised in a very stressful environment, maybe the best way to say it is with great morals but lousy ethics. i was not only not taught financial responsibility, i was taught financial irresponsibility. that exaggeration, denial, and lying were the acceptable alternatives to paying bills. that lying justified feeling "entitled" to things that are not affordable. living well above financial means and blaming others when bills could not be met.

i am very proud of the fact that i was smart enough to realize that this was not the way i wanted to live once i left home. i still fight with my dad over that issue. it took me a long time to "relearn" my habits and i built up a lot of lousy credit in the interim. i used to be so stressed out by money it would keep me awake at night and i used to think i would never be able to afford a computer or a car or a place to live. (for many years i was stuck back living with my parents as part of an arrangement to help them out which was very detrimental to my health). i worked hard and saved and was able to afford a computer. but i would never be able to buy a car or a house. i used to have to borrow my parents car to go places. then i saved an bought a car. my credit was still very screwed up and it was difficult to get a loan. at that point i decided to make a concerted effort to clear up my bad credit history. it took a lot of time, many stressful phone calls, clearing up past obligations, but after ten years my credit became exemplary and i was able to purchase my home. i was easily able to afford it and was payihng off my credit card debt rapidly and was still able to save for my future.

this was all done before the spector of depression moved in. and now after just 4 months of severe depression i am at risk of losing it all. partially because of my dwindling savings but also because i don't have the energy and motivation to keep up with things. with the exception of my mortgage i have ample funds to pay all of my bills and utilities but i just can't stay on top of them and i pay only as i receive calls that they are overdue. my phone was shut off last week due to nonpayment.

if i lose my home, have to deal with that stress, end up with my credit screwed up again, and have to still tackle the depression, it will be much to much for me to handle. i don't have any local outside support from friends or family. if i manage to solve the depression problem i can't spend another 5 or 10 years working again to fix my credit and find a place to live. i would have to do that while battling my arthritis, liver problems, and other health issues that have been cropping up. i already find my enjoyment of life severely limited by these illnesses. if i had to fight for financial stability once again i would be much less inclined to be able to enjoy it after another 5 or 10 years. i am not willing to try that hard.

i am still fighting for alternatives to losing my home. i do have some options, if i tap into my 401(k) i can delay foreclosure for several months. of course then i am back to having no retirement cushion but i can deal with that easier than i can the prospect of starting back from scratch with all this.

my biggest fear is that i will not be able to work again. i don't feel i am any closer to working again than i was 4 months ago. without that ability i won't be able to survive, physically or emotionally, whether i am here or in an apartment. but i would be very very miserable facing that possiblility in an apartment.

my home is one of the few things, maybe the only thing, that i can look at that still gives me a sense of pleasure or pride. i have no family and no close friends that can give me any sense of purpose, the way some of your children do and keep you focused on surviving your illness instead of giving up. i know this sounds silly but just as we grow close to our pets my home really feels a part of me and it would be a terrible emotional loss if i were to lose it.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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