You sound really mixed & like you are having a hard time escaping the "self-defeatism" cycle we so often find ourselves in. If you have the means to see a T & get yourself help, by all means take advantage, because there are a lot of us out there that so wish for that priviledge. Stay safe & let us know how you're doing. Find some ways to keep yourself entertained or distracted in the meantime-- Living in a realm of fantasy via music, books, & movies is a lot better than doing/saying things you might otherwise regret.