Last night I was talking to my T and my feelings were all over the place. I randomly blurted out "I think you're stupid". "Why do you think I'm stupid?" she asked. "Because I'm stupid", I heard myself say. Oh...

I do understand the drive to be perfect so that others will love us, Skysblue. Always when I ask my T something I preface it with "If I'm good can we...?" Yes, she says, we can, but it doesn't depend on whether you're good. Or I'll ask "If I was gooder would you let me be your child". The reality is you are not my child, she says, and it's not because you're not good. T has never told me to be good, so where does it come from, this phrase which slips out without even thinking, this worldview where everything is conditional on me being good?

When my partner was leaving me last year, my mother's response was to tell me: "All you have to do is be perfect, then she'll want you back". She was perfectly serious and thought this was an entirely reasonable response. I wasn't able to be perfect- have never been able to be- and my partner did not want me back. I don't think my parents wanted me much either, though they did their best with me. And I tried so very hard all my life to be good enough. No, to be perfect.

I think this is why I was so seduced as a teenager by the concept of grace that I converted to catholicism. Grace- a gift freely given, not won by hard work. I work da*n hard in therapy. I pay T for my sessions. But I experience her daily contact, her love, her tremendous care, as a gift freely given. I cannot earn it by being good. I cannot lose it by being bad. I've always thought that if I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter, I will call her Grace. And she will know that it's not about being perfect, or even good. It's a given.

Hope this random rambling is a tiny bit helpful