Oh goodness, you must have the patience of a saint...
First, I have to say that it really, really bothers me that he is bringing up specific examples from years past and saying that it really changed his view of you. If that is the case, he should have talked to you then. Not waited years to bring it up. If he did bring it up years ago, then he should not be bringing it up now, at all. I understand how difficult that is. This is something I struggle with myself and my fiance. I keep repeating to myself that the past is the past, it made us, both me and him, who we are today. And I love him today, we are happy today, it doesn't matter how we got here. Granted, it's a lot harder when you're not happy/feeling secure in your relationship, but this is something he needs to work on. He can not start hurling past hurts at you now because he failed to heal them sooner. Honestly, this is a deal breaker for me (again, ironic, because I struggle myself, but struggle suggests I am working on it...). If he is not willing, TRULY WILLING to let go of the past, and the comfort that comes with the familiar (in this case, pain is familiar), then this relationship can go nowhere. I say that because I can see the damage it does. And honestly, if he kept bringing up the events from the past before you cheated, then he definitely played a part in the scenario that set you up for cheating...
Which brings me to my next point. I really dislike how he has completely washed his hands of any sort of culpability for the cheating. In my mind, he is still completely separating himself from what happened -- that anything he could have done before hand is completely irrelevant to your feelings and emotions that you had before what happened. Maybe I'm a little biased, because in my own situation, my fiance and I had an emotionally charged miscommunication, and then I buried myself in my pain and flung it at him to hurt him as well. I see the role I had to play in what happened, I take responsibility for the state of our relationship at the time, and also for the pain I inflicted on my fiance. Maybe there are cases where the cheating comes completely out of the blue, where everyone seems happy, healthy, and engaged with each other, but I personally don't feel this is the case with your boyfriend. I could be wrong, but this is just the way I see it.
I think that I felt that your starred comments were good. I didn't see any problem with them. What exactly were you looking for in them (or was that for your boyfriend?) I think a little tough love might be necessary if he is so unwilling to see his role in the relationship. Granted, it has only been a month, so I understand he is still grieving the loss of the relationship he thought he had with you, but at some point, he has to be willing to pick himself up, and start truly facing these things. Granted, I didn't want to see it myself, and probably would have hated him if he tried to make me see it before I was ready, but I think there must be a way to be able to bring him around, or at least start preparing him for it (because that will also be hard).
It does bother me that he couldn't be more understanding of your grief. It seems like a lack of empathy on his part (that and the whole "this is your fault, now fix it. I was perfect before this happened" that I get from his tone/words).
Oh, and his assuming that household ways meant orgies and calling what you did "your wanton ways" just... stuck in my craw. It's like he continues to talk down to you and belittle what you have done for him. Heck, he refuses to even see it.
Okay, sorry if this turned into a response just bashing your boyfriend. But I'm having a lot of trouble with his behavior. Normally, I feel extreme empathy for the one who has been cheated on, but his actions are just rubbing me the wrong way. I keep thinking "Yes, he's in pain, but..." There's something to be said for fair fighting, and I don't feel like he's doing that. I know it's a hard skill to master, and I suppose I should be more understanding because he cannot change over night, but I just.... I feel like he's taking advantage of the situation to feel sorry for himself for every little thing you've done wrong since you started dating, when really, he should have been trying to communicate and talk to you about all of these things sooner. In no way am I saying what you did was okay, but you already know that. Ugh, it's kind of hard for me, because I see what your boyfriend is doing, and I know I did all the wrong things and it took me a really, really long time to even start coming to terms with what happened and start moving forward. I guess I'm getting a little upset about it all because I don't want you to go through what I put my fiance through. I don't want your boyfriend to make the mistakes I made.
Take care
