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It could be how he was raised, it could be for any number of reasons, what's important though is whether or not he's willing to change the behaviour and if not, is this something you want to accept in your relationship.
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Yeah, this made my cons list (I called it "so g******* judgmental" and it got a 5). It will be something we'll have to work on. I just got a text from him:
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[Our work on our relationship] is [helpful] but it gets painful for me at times. I have to remind myself from time to time that I am not on trial, that I am the one deeply hurt by an action. I want to make this work though.
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He's doing it again, isn't he? I wouldn't have noticed that before... but I almost feel like he's saying he's not the one on trial, I am.
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You say that it's more upsetting that he treats your family in this way than that he treats you this way -why? I know we are always protective of our families, but we need to be protective of ourselves as well.
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You got it--I am being protective of my baby sister and of my mom (who I feel like he's attacking indirectly by blaming things on "how we were raised"). Also, he knows me very well and so I think he has some basis to criticize me but he really doesn't know my sister well enough to criticize her, if that's even his place to begin with.
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And another thought, if this is a behaviour he's always going to exhibit, how will it impact your son. If he sees/hears your bf talking down to you (even if you think it's being kept separate from him, as he gets older, kids pick up on things) he may see that as the way he is supposed to treat women.
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True; however, is a male role model with some faults worse than no male role model at all? Of course, it depends on the faults, but everyone has them and even the best parents pass
some kind of issues on to their kids. Not that I'll stay with him just so my son has a male role model, but if it's a reason
not to stay with him then I need to consider it carefully.
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Your explanation of what you were thinking didn't make it worse, a lie would have. See if you lie, and he finds out otherwise, he will have two new hurts
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Which is why I told the truth... but it sucked.
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I still don't see borrowing money from you as a sacrifice. Like TheByz said, he made those choices, and yes he did it for you, but that's a relationship. If that's the view he's going to take than everything is a sacrifice. Last night for dinner I had chicken, potatoes and salad because I had dinner at my bf's and that's what was on the menu. So did I sacrifice pizza, chips and ice cream? I guess so, but is that something I can/should hold over his head? Heck no, I was happy to have dinner with him. Do you understand what I'm getting at? Relationships are about compromise, but we make them because the person we are with are worth it. Did you force him to move with you? No. Were you happy to have him there? Yes. Did you plan for him to be jobless (in an awful economy where unemployment is high everywhere btw)? Of course not. He needs to own his part of this decision.
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I addressed this in my own (gentler) way in my email to him tonight, but I did borrow your wording about "owning" the decision
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You said that you want the challenge of saving the relationship. I wonder about your motivations to this. What is your view of this not working out? Do you see it as personal failure to overcome this. Do you need his presence and forgiveness to forgive yourself?
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I'll be the first to admit that this probably isn't very healthy. First, I will decide whether or not it is worth repairing. If I decide it is, and it doesn't work out, then I will feel personal failure. Not saying that's good, just saying that's what will happen. I feel personal failure for the cheating, of course. I know I can't make up for that by throwing everything I've got into it, but that's how I deal with things. It's my version of perfectionism. And, this sounds bad, but I like a challenge. College as a single mom, CPA exam, caring for my mom, managing her estate... I take these things head on because I think if I can just do this and do it right, I'll prove my worth to the world and to myself, not to mention find redemption for my mistakes. So, yes, a part of me wants to fix the relationship precisely because I know it will be hard and I need to prove myself. But, I'm not stupid and I know how to separate the important factors from the unimportant ones. I believe I'll be able to put this need aside when it comes down to actually making the decision.
His forgiveness certainly would help me forgive myself... but I'm not sure I want to wait that long. So, maybe once I figure out the reasons behind it I will begin working on forgiving myself. That seems like a logical place to start.
Thanks again for your input. It is very helpful.
I sent him the email, largely unchanged. I softened it up a little bit, but the main points stayed the same. Finding a balance between sensitivity for his pain (that I caused) and sticking up for myself has proven much more challenging that I ever would have thought.