Aaaah.. yes!

I have started backpacking solo when I was 24, and gone almost every year.

People don't understand. They ask, why risk doing it alone, what if something happens, wouldn't it be more fun to go with a group, am I not lonely, can't I find some man to go with so I don't have to carry it all myself, am I not scared to be alone, am I not scared to sleep unders the stars (usually no tent, unless it's late in the season), and why go to places I've already been, isn't it too hard for someone as fat as me (and lately old and fat)?

I can't explain. I have camped near the top of Cloud's Rest and felt the big slow heartbeat in the massive rock. I've "known" this mountain must have been a destination of many vision quests in times before white man, because I could hear echos of chants, of drums. Went to the same place later with a friend. We chatted, took awesome pictures, I tried to describe to him the magic I experienced on my solo trip, but it just wasn't there.

I worry plenty when I go. Worry if I will make it to the lake or will I have to dry camp. Worry that I haven't crossed a creek in a long time, and they should be, and I am running low on water. Worry that I am still feeling that abbrasion on a heel, and what if it turns into a bloody blister as it once had. I worry that I will run out of mosquito repellent, and worry that I may turn my ankle. I worry that the air smells oddly like snow, and it may snow on the pass and I may be trapped, and worry that if I try to go over the pass today, I may not make it to the other side before night. I worry that I am too old and too fat to make it to my next planned stop, but I just keep going. I even once worried that my house may burn down while I am gone (not sure where that came from, like what would I do if I was there, burn with it?), but I just keep going.

I found on these hikes how when negative thought patterns visit me, they sap all my strength, and since I am operating well above my normal levels, I can't afford that energy drain and need to find a way to inner peace real quick.

I walk out feeling cleansed. I beam at dayhikers I meet coming out, and they beem back. And I laugh so easily.

p.s. I haven't done it in 4 years for one reason or another, but packing to go day after tomorrow.