Well, I have had a very agonizing week. I am so confused about life and my marriage and what is best. I really want to be happy and I deserve that. So, I have written to my husband a letter which explains exactly the problems I am having with this marriage and what needs to happen for me to even consider trying. That would be counseling together and an honest effort in his part..well to be honest. I feel our relationship was built on lies because he is not the man he made me feel he was. Our wedding day was a lie because he didn't want to get married and he couldn't tell me, the first six months of marriage complete hell because he couldn't be honest, couldn't deal with his own stuff and took it out on me. He hasn't been horrible this last 14 months but it hasn't been good. In our relationship he has not kept one single promise he made for me to come here. He hasn't been the loving, supportive, honest man he said he was. I find myself very angry, hurt and disapointed. I think if he can't be the man he made himself out to be then I don't belong with him. I want that man and if he faked it then he's a jerk. See? Angry!!
So I will at some point give him the letter because it is the only way I can get it all out and stick around if he wants to talk. If he is a jerk about it. I am done. If he says no or complains about counseling, I am done. If he is open and wants to really put effort I will stay but ONLY if we get help.
My friend has been such a good support for me. She really gets me and is so there for me. She is ready for me to give him the letter and help me deal with whatever happens afterwards.
I know there is a chance that after this weekend I will be moving and I have this sick scared feeling deep in my gut. I have to do this. It's what's best for me. I am very afraid but I know I will live no matter what.
I don't have family here to stay with and my friend doesnt have a place but there is a womans shelter I can go to. My friend went there years ago and she said they were very nice.
Wish me luck!!
Heidu