Thank you so much for this Readytostop. Therapy has been such a struggle for me - I really thought 6 sessions and I would be fixed, I had no idea of the enormity of the problem that lay festering inside of me. This was made worse by some challenging real life stuff that was (is) going on and so up until now the sessions have really focused on stabilising things in the here and now. For the last few weeks, I have felt brave enough to prise my fingers away from the side I had been clinging on to and realised that yeah! I can float.

I thnk T sensed that too and looking back I can see T had thrown in a few floats here and there just in case I needed them (some grounding stuff / imagined safe places).

T had tried in the past to talk to "her" didn't push, but just acknolwdged that she was there and T meant her no harm. But at my last session, she came forward quite easily and actually wanted to engage with him and look at him and it all feels so weird - like reality being swept away.

I know I do have a clear grip on reality, but when I get into that imagined bit of me again, it is all very strange. I feel I have lost control of her and she has "escaped" me and she and him will sit and talk and leave me out of the loop - that is very scarey. I hate her and I don't think she has a high opinion of me either (wow this is sounder weirder by the second) - The other strange bit is that I do not remember very much at all from my younger childhood and when he asked her age in the session, she was 5 - so it feels like she may know things that I don't know. I am so sure that I wasn't a victim of CA at that age, but I can't understand why it is all so scarey or why she is that age - I know not so pleasant things happened to me at an older age, so why is she there aged 5?

T looked different to me yesterday, not so warm and safe - yes I need to hang on to that trust thing, but it is hard right now to take that risk - T told me once to keep coming even if T turned bad, and maybe this is the point in time that I have to hold on to that too.

Thank-you again for your post, it is helpful knowing people are out there. SD