I'm thinking that once we see which childlike behaviors result from accessing those child needs, we can explore those feelings more deeply. And learn that what we think we need in behaviors from others is not what the adult really needs. What the adult really needs is reassurance about the fears that those behaviors represent.

For example, I have a 'need' that no one ever gets mad at me. When they do I become very 'small' and vulnerable and I feel very very terrible and think I'm a bad person and everyone hates me and I must do everything possible to avoid someone getting mad at me. Why do I feel that way? - Not sure, but it probably stemmed from childhood when I was dismissed and received a lot of anger from my mother.

Now, when T displays anything that looks like anger or disapproval, I spin into the same kind of response. Now, I have asked her to tell me everything that I could do that might generate negative feelings in her so that I can avoid doing those behaviors and so not to have to experience her 'getting mad' at me.

Now, that's a silly and unreasonable request. Let us say that she agreed to it. What has been gained? My child parts are getting what she wants and will not have to face some tough emotions but my adult part never learns how to face what is normal in life - occasional disapproval from others.

What my T tells me is that it is normal human interaction that we won't be happy with each other on a regular basis - that there will be ups and downs but that does not change the solid foundation of a relationship. There has to be room for disagreement and dislike or it's not an authentic or real relationship.

So, maybe what your T is saying is that if she gives in to your child fears and what is subsequently your child demands, you will not learn how to transform those child parts, that had not developed normally, into the adult parts.

Recognizing that we have developmental delays is where accessing those child needs is important. Once we have identified them, we can study them better and then learn how to change them into more appropriate adult ways of satisfying those needs.

This is a great thread - lots of food for thought. Thanks