I woke up crying this morning after having a very intense dream.*
I was working with my partner for 20 years, I was not to touch the switch for the train but i did my partner was hit by a train and killed. At the funeral I told his parents that it was my fault and that I was sorry. His parents insulted me while trying to console each other. I remember crying and being given two days off, I couldn't understand why people couldn't understand my pain as i lost him too and the guilt of it being my fault. I sat there crying or was I ? maybe I was just sad, not crying at all maybe that's why nobody noticed my grief.*


Oddly enough this is exactly how I feel I feel grief like I've lost a long time friend and it's my fault. I feel like no one can see me crying. I feel like I'm sitting there bawling my eyes out and they ask me what I want for dinner or if i want to go fishing and I'm sitting there thinking what the he'll is going on here. Maybe my emotions are not being reflected in my face or body and Im expecting people to read essentially my mind.

Just need to vent*/ update