I have weapons around and have considered suicide. Once have come very close to it, but for a friend who refused to go, despite my assurances that I am fine. I made it that time, and since then I take an odd comfort in having a weapon around. I tell myself that I do not need to fear the future, because I will always have a way out should things become unbearable. And I can bear quite a bit, as it turns out.

Back in the days that I was diving I made an agreement with myself that if I decided to end my life I will rent an air tank, drive to Monteray to Monastery Beach, swim out and do slow deep dive down the cliff side. I would have quite a bit to do, and a long drive, and look forward to dying possessed of giddy happiness of oxygen necrosis. All that would pretty much rule out any chance that I am acting under the influence of emotions.

I think somewhere along the lines I stopped believing my suicidal thoughts and feelings. When I am depressed I will feel and think that my life is pointless, that I am worthless, that there is nothing to live for, but a part of me know that to be not true, and I know I have felt those things before and then I did not. So now, I am not concerned about harming myself because of some feelings or dark thoughts.

But I encourage you to explore your situation with your therapist.