RS, I owe you an answer and I will get to it, I promise. Just not tonight.
Got an answer to my email from last night - much better than I thought it might be since I did get a little harsher I guess in that last one.
I have been noticing that he mentions wanting me to understand or to see inside his mind a lot. So, I thought it might be good for both of us for me to try to describe to him what I imagine he's feeling like. I'm sure I don't fully understand and I'm sure there's a lot I'm missing, but he agreed that might be a good exercise. Is that? Or might it just incite more pain in him? What if I bring up something he hadn't thought of? Anyway, here's what I've got so far... Tsol and RS, I know the two of you probably have a much better understanding of the way it feels than I do, having been there yourselves, so maybe you can let me know how close I am?
Quote:
I think it feels something like this:
You can't quite wrap your head around it. A part of you knows it happened but another part of you keeps saying, no, that can't be possible, and you wish that part were right. Nevertheless, it hurts in a way you didn't know you could hurt. Devastated, torn, broken, battered and beaten, there doesn't really seem to be a word to describe the pain. It's always on your mind. If you find a way to distract yourself for a while, it finds its way back in before long. The image is burned on your brain. You've imagined the actual incident in far more detail than you care to. You can't stop asking, "why?" and "how?" and searching and straining for an answer, though you know that answer has to come from me. Even so, there is a voice in your head that tries to give you answers. They're usually not answers you like: "she did it because she doesn't love you, in fact, she hates you," "because she thinks she's better than you," "because she's a slut," "because she's testing you," "because she doesn't realize it but she wants out of the relationship." You don't know whether the voice is right or not. Partly, you hope it is because at least the voice has an answer. You want to hate me. You will feel foolish if you take me back and ever trust me again; you feel foolish for ever trusting me to begin with. Faithfulness in a relationship is such a core value to you, that when that was dashed, it made you question everything you thought you knew. How you're living your life, the decisions you've made, the type of person you are: all that has come into question. The person you are used to turning to when you need someone to talk to is the one who caused you the pain. That is confusing because you want to confide in me at the same time you want to yell at me. You want to hurt me at the same time you want to comfort me. You are in conflict with me and within yourself.
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I feel like I'm missing a lot - a lot that I could be getting and a lot more I haven't the slightest clue about. But, it's that time again and my brain is shutting off so... 'night.