I have been where you are. I have a difficult time keeping it together for sure. I cut myself 2 weeks ago, I felt so guilty. I wanted to do it again last week but I thought of how I felt last time and called a friend instead. You have to experience every feeling, good or bad. Just let yourself feel, don't try to fix it. The bad feelings will pass and there are ways to self soothe, you just have to find what is right for you.