TerryL
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Guilt is one of the stages of grief. You will feel bad for a time thinking about all the "if onlys", thinking how different things would be if only you had done things differently. you are still in shock. you will eventually feel anger, depression, you may experience these things all together or fluctuate between all of them on a daily basis. Eventually, if you allow yourself to move through the emotions, you will come to acceptance. Instead of focusing on the "if onlys"- the water, the radioactivity- try focusing on the fact that mom was indeed an fragilily ill woman, something indeed was wrong with her. you were in the process of trying to discover that with the multiple trips to the dr.this current illness is what took her life -NOT anything that you did. you sound like you were a very caring compassionate child to your mother. i am sure she appreciated that. take care