I have never been told by a professional that I have an eating disorder, but then again, I've never asked. I don't even know if I do, and I don't know anyone with an eating disorder, so I have no one to get advice from.
I love food. I mean I looooove food. But I am petrified of gaining weight. I have virtually no self esteem. I can't stand the sight of myself naked, and I won't even let my boyfriend of 5 years see me naked in the light. We had a bit of a "discussion" last night, and I brought up the fact that it sucks that we can't connect on a deeper level. HE brought up the fact that he was put off in the beginning 5 YEARS AGO because I told him I don't want to be with a guy that looks at Playboy.
Today I ate 10 grapes and a granola bar. Sometimes I just like to see how little I can get by on. A. To be thinner, and B. To challenge myself. When I don't eat I feel okay about myself...aside from the fact that I feel like a shallow jerk. When I eat a meal I feel more self conscious.
I've had extremely low self esteem ever since I was a child...so this goes way back. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, he called me fat. Twice. After the first time, I cried, and tried to explain to him that I can't handle that. He said he was joking. About a month later, he did it again. I know I'm not that big...but I'm short, so the fat that I do have has no where to go. I feel like I'm big. I have never in my life made myself throw up, because there is nothing on this planet that I hate more than throwing up. But sometimes I wish I could. I don't really think I'm anorexic because I DO eat. Sometimes I binge, sometimes I eat normally, and sometimes I eat like I did today. Advice and/or opinions would be much appreciated.