I'm a bit nervous so please bear with me, as I try to describe this behavior I've had since I was a child. I am posting this here to try to see if you experts know what I have.

Since I was a child, probably starting as a teenager (now in my 40s), I've had this urge to turn on and off things while thinking of someone/something and how 'off' would hurt them and 'on' would bless them. now I consciously know now and when I was a kid that this is impossible, that I have no power over the universe based on my behavior, but I still do it.

Let me give you an example :

Light Switch - turn on = good turn off = bad

Let's use a sports team. Say I am a fan of the New York Yankees and hate the NY Mets. So I think of the Yankees when I turn ON the light switch, thinking somehow this action will give them good luck on the season. Then when I have to turn off the light switch, bad, I think of the Mets, who I don't like and wish finish in last place.

But I don't do it once, I do it maybe 4-5 times , meaning on/off sequence is one time, so 5 times would be 10 flips of the switch.

Another example is if I see say my mother walking in front of me, I take a deep breath (good) thinking that this is going to give her good luck. and Then exhale (bad) when she is gone or exhale on something I consider bad (like a NY Mets logo).

I think you get the jist of what I am getting it.

So what is this? I've had it since teenage years. I don't do it 24/7, but maybe parts of the day, and I don't think it affects me in my daily work or life. LIke say I am driving , I don't do this because I know it may cause an accident,etc....

I remember maybe in my 20s in college I controlled this for around 6 months by TELLING MYSELF this is non sense and to quit it. I had the power to do so for 6 months, but it crept back into my life.

I do it daily, only at these times - when I get out of the shower and I am getting dressed, I do the light switch thing when needing to turn off the bathroom light. When I park the car after driving and I touch the good luck charm on my dashboard maybe 4-5 times.

As I said, while I do this, I know my actions have no affect on anything I am thinking about.

I don't think I am crazy but it is not normal right?

Does anyone else experience this?

What would this behavior be categorized as?

Is there some kind of cure?

Thank you for reading this.