Thanks for sharing. I can sympathise. I was almost always overweight, dieting and exercising, occasionally binging and and then in panic trying to throw up (but I hated it too and never made it regular, felt awful either way though). I hadn't had many boyfriends. I was not looking hard, so it was rather by accident that I even met any. But they wanted to see me. I didn't understand. Why would they, to humiliate me or something? I saw myself as so disgustingly fat and ugly, and couldn't bear being looked at. It did not make for a good relationship, when my belief in my ugliness was so unshakable that it would refuse the Truth staring out at me from lover's eyes.

What you have is a problem, even if it doesn't match exactly anorexia or bulimia format. It is still the same. Ask yourself if you would be quite as devastated if your boyfiend called you clumsy, instead of fat.

It is this whole vicious circle, where we feel so incomplete and worthless that we need to be loved by someone or else we may die, but also we believe that in order to be loved we have to have bodies that look certain way, and we always compare, always find faults, always try to fix them, or hide them, and feel like frauds, feel like if we let the guy discover our deception we won't be loved, we will be nothing...

Or something like that.

I don't have a solution. We hear, that we have to learn to accept our bodies, to love ourselves, no matter what shape body we have. We are NOT the body, but we came to believe that that's in fact all we are, or that it is the only thing that count where the most important thing, i.e. love and acceptance is concerned.

There is help. There are groups. There are programs to help us develop healthy relationship with our body, with our selves, with our eating. I can assure you of one thing, whatever progress you can make along the way to better self-esteem the better your relationship with your boyfriend will be. If you are scared that your he may decide you are to fat to be loved, that gets to be wearing on him, don't you think? And he would really love it if you became uninhibited and he could see your sexiness. Guys are visual, he would love to explore your body in full light, just ask him.