i got really, really upset earlier.

In the past when i have been admitted to psych. hospitals, or psych outpatient units, my father has gotten either really angry or frustrated. He screams so loud, gets violent sometimes, and just the look on his face is threatning to you. I have been admitted five times inpatient, and four outpatient. All of them have been interesting.

The first time i was admitted to a psych. hospital, Four Winds, he was sad, everything went fine intil a family session with my mom and him. My therapist at the facility, so nice and caring. My father being the jerk that he is, stands up roughly and starts screaming in the room at her and me. Saying he doesnt want his daughter here, blah blah blah. I know no body wants there child there, but i needed help, and he should aknowlege that at least. If I were the therapist, i would of sent him straight to the aduly psych. unit for an evaluation. He went completely insane himself.

The second time was in a psych. hospital, same one in upstate NY, Four Winds, and he was fine. But he came to visit me, and started to cry--saying that he thought that i was all his fault i was there, and made me feel like a loser and like i should take the responsiblity, he got me severely depressed--OK--you just dont do that to someone whose inpatient there for suicidal attempts, cutting and depression. You just dont. My mom considers that emotional abuse what he was saying more and more, etc.

The third time was at NY Presbyterian in Westerchester, NY. I would NOT let him to come and visit me. I couldnt take the embarrassment, judgement, negative feedback, and obnoxiousness from him. I had enough on my plate. He would call almost every night, but make me feel horrible. Scream at me that i shouldnt cry and act like a baby, etc. I got suicidal then.

Fourth time--Four Winds again. I would NOT let my father visit me whatsoever. He did call almost everyday once again, but made me feel uncomfotable when he said i shouldnt be there, and I'm not crazy and psycho, etc. He was kind of like lecturing me, yelling at me. It made me feel really bad, emotionally it killed me.

Fifth time was at- NY Presbyterian again. I refused to see my father while i was in there, and hardly spoke to him on the phone. He makes me feel bad all the time when I'm in there, and always thinks about himself, which really stinks. It doesnt make anyting better, it makes me 1000000% worse. :[

Before all my hospital admissions, there was one time when i was at my uncle and aunts, restraunt/bar with all my family. My dad really likes to drink and when he does he gets wasted out of his mind like you wouldnt believe. heh. He got really drunk where he stood up on the bar, acted like a cowboy saying yeehaw!! taking out condoms, underware, and deoderant a man left behind and like playing with it and putting it on his head, etc. It was embarrassing. Then, he drove me and my brother home!! drunk!! anyways, we came home and went in my room to lay down, all of a sudden i hear my stepmother screaming and sounded like she was choking, being strangled. i then hear my dad storm out of the room and run into the kitchen and throw the phone across the room and shattered. heh. He then ran into my room, with nothing but reg. underware on, no boxers and went into my bed under the covers and asked me if i was alright. nothing else happened after that, but i was terrified and afraid he would beat me or something. heh.

Another time before the hospital admission for me, I was really upset i was going back, crying, screaming, yelling and throwing my clothes into my bad. My parents are divorced and my dad happened to be at my house because he dropped me off at my house. He walked into my room and started screaming at me, looking at me like he litt. wanted to kill me. not good. heh. He then ran over to me walked up to me like he was tough, like he wanted to beat me up. Then he tackled me on the ground, sat on top of my chest and was very hard to breathe, took his hands and put them around my neck and shook me. His nose was touching my face as he was screaming at me, and spitting on me while he was screaming. heh. It was one of the most scariest things i have ever experienced in my lifetime.

When i was younger a little older then a toddler, i was sitting at the dinner table on opp. ends with him and my family. He got really mad at me because i was arguing a little bit with my brother and so he litt. GOT ON THE TABLE and ran across it chasing me around my house. He couldnt go around to get me if he was going too??? He's insane.
I hate him. :[

He's ALWAYS CONSTANTLY screaming at me, making me feel bad, telling me i'm a baby, loser, and im a cry baby--but screams it into my face whenever we get mad at eachother, heh. I hate life.

He used to abuse my mom constantly when they were married i think too. I know he did though. He does have a history, and in my opinion--i think he might have a mental disorder like bipolar, or personality. heh. ..just like me. yehh. heh.

I never felt so hopeless, depressed, and urges to cut like this before in my lifetime. Its really bothering me alot. He hasnt done anything to me really, recently. But i dont want to see him right now, im seeing him tomorrow unfortuantly, only for 3 hours though, hes taking me to my T/shrink. lol.

Its severely bothering me though, and i cant take feeling like this. I constantly have images of him for the future, if he beats me, and coming to school with bruzes, scars, cuts, broken bones..and in the ER too. I cant sleep, im all like out of it, depressed, worried, etc. Its ALL i think about now. heh, unfortuantly..

I dont know if it is considered abuse or not, i dont know, i need advice. He has a history of abuse, so prob.?? idk. heh. i feel so helpless and depressed and hopeless. :[ I feel like an idiot and that i'm stupid, seriously--i do. :/

any feedback for me would be awesome.

I dont want to see him for a while i think too, hes manipulative, hypocritical, i guess abusive?? idk. hes agravating to be around with. hes odd, almost like two people. lol. Is there any way i can get a court order on him? like, i can NOT see him whenever i want. Right now, he has that privalege to see me whenever, etc.

thanks

deb