Richardral,
What you replied to Lynn, I have felt that too. And what you said to me, it sounds like you can achieve but you are so afraid that someone or something is going to detroy it so you cut to the chase and do it yourself.

There is a reason for this, it must go way back, but it is there. Some how something happened a way back when that planted this seed, I know it very well. Well, I didn't know it consciously like I do now and it is part of why have now have depression.

It was almost like for some reason everytime I felt happy or tried to smile, something came and took that smile and made me cry. And for a long time I kept fighting it.
I was successful at things too, but it never failed, someone seemed to come along and either take or somehow make it so it just wasn't so inviting anymore. But I kept on. And I thought I had over come it, oh, what do they say,"forget it, it is over, move on, forgive, just be strong, keep fighting and so on".

Well I did think I did it, I thought I had overcome the ghosts of the past. And then just when I started to once again smile, I saw it all crumble in front of me. And I often wonder, why did I ever bother, did I ever truely think I was going to truely have happiness?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, I haven't been feeling well, I have a lot of anxiety issues and they are getting pretty painful and just as I said I also have been fighting depression.

Well, I was nervous about going to the doctor and I had actually asked for a different doctor because my regular one had thrown my medical records at me from the psycward and outpatient doctors after the inncident where I watched everything topple like dominos. I only wanted to renew my perscription of clonazapam so that I could fight off the anxiety and get sleep at night without night mares, chills and flashbacks. But my regular GP simply read off a bunch of words from his copy of my records I didn't understand and told me he was unqualified to prescribe to someone with my conditions. Um, I was under the impression I had been diagnosed with PTSD and the prescription was nothing dramatic.

I left his office in tears and went to my car and read all the comments about me from the psychward and the first therapist and I didn't even understand how all these words were there and what they all meant. And a rush of embarrassment and betrayl came over me.

The only way I could get that prescription is to go to the emergency room and find another person who was qualified to write that prescription. It took me a week to find someone who would see me. It ended up costing me over a thousand dollars to get a bottle of pills that cost $11.00 at the time. Oh, and these pills that were suppose to be non addictive with no withdrawl, definitely have withdrawl symptoms, headaches, nauseousness and no sleep and a lot of anxiety.

I let one ghost out of my closet in therapy to try to explain what would cause me to come to a point in my life where I would utter the words that landed me in that terrible psychward. Ofcouse I hadn't had any sleep in a couple of months and I had been addressing injuries and a death to one of my special animals and I was pretty much in shock and completely exhausted in every single way someone could be exhausted.

If only I hadn't had talked about that one bad ghost from my past, all my psychological side effects of watching so much wiped out, could have been a part of a lawsuite. But oh no, my ghost was going to come to life and the negligent person would be able to know about it and do what ever he wanted with that knowledge.
I can't quite wrap my brain around that one. So I was unable to get treatment, no money, tons of bills and injuries and a business that had no employees so to speak. Ho they were all damaged. All these bills, a need for therapy and no money to pay, and bearly any business left either.

Getting back to yesterday. So I sat in the waiting room and I made sure I didn't take my medication, I wanted my blood pressure and heart checked to see what it was doing when I was experiencing this anxiety that was somehow kept at bay by this medication. At least for about 8 hours.

Well I finally got called into an examining room and the new doctor appeared and he had another doctor with him. I was struggling with anxiety and was somewhat nervous and he wanted this new doctor to participate in my exam. I kept myself together and told him, today is not that day for me, no thank you, but he tried to insist. I had to try to calmly say no again. And then I started to have a flashback.
They didn't notice and left me in the room. I sat in the room with the flashback and those two doctors were two boys that dragged me in a shed at three years old and stripped me of my clothes. I could feel everything, all the fear and and ugency. I had to contain myself and tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to run out of that office so bad, so very bad. And I had to really work at staying there. I wanted to know what was going on with my heart.

And finally the one doctor came back in the examining room and he could see I was probably crying. And then he pulled up those records on his computer and saw the same words that were so wrong. My regular T told me to ask about antidepressants and offered the name of one he thought may help me. It was a no go and again it was suggested that I needed a more professional person for that. And I am sure he saw the ghost too as he sat and read. And I just wanted to run again.

I didn't know why the flashback happened. And yet after thinking about it I realized that it had been set off by being so nervous to begin with and then suddenly being presented with two strangers, that may examine my body.

I realized a lot about myself today. I realize much of the answer to what you are talking about, there is a similarity. But I was not truely conscious of it until today.
I spent a lot of time trying to make up for something that was not right. But somehow it chased me and it prevents me from my happiness today. And I am a very misunderstood person. Everyone thought I was so strong and driven, but I guess I was trying to drive something away or somehow make up for it. But like you deep inside I seemed to suffer everytime I caught a glimpse of happiness.

So, what I am trying to tell you is there is something you need to face, and part of it is yourself. I know what your saying, and how you feel, believe me. I am struggling too. I have to do it too, learn how to overcome it and it is not easy.

Not feeling anything anymore is so tempting. But I have to figure a way out and I am getting help with that. And it isn't easy.

Just wanted you to know, I never had a manual either. I am learning, you can too.

Open Eyes