(((((((Richardrahl)))))))))

Perna is so right Richard. We cannot run away from our emotions and do need to seek help and guidance. Very good post Perna, you have many good posts here at PC.

I can sympathize with you Richard, I am at a similar spot in my life too. That is why I told you some of my past. And I too feel like I am the problem somehow. And yet I know that I have been abused and misunderstood many times in my past. I have had many people kind of shock the hell out of me to be honest and I didn't realize how it really effected me. And I know exactly what you mean about that brick wall and wishing somehow you could no longer be hurt or disappointed by others, me too.

And while you know you have issues you may not really be aware of or have a true perception of those issues. I didn't either, I have been working on that and trying to understand my own reactions to my past and how, like you, it seemed like I kept making the same mistakes, even when I tried to approach things differently. And I know exactly what you mean about the disappointments in humanity. And everyday I actually pray for a way to find my way through and I silently ask, what is wrong, why cant I seem to fix this?

But I am slowly seeing how my past effected me and how it all added up to the place I am now, a depressive embarassing state of mind. But I have to be honest too, I am what I know too and I have faced many disappointments in my past that involved other people. And I think I did put up a brick wall in a way and it didn't work I guess.
Because all it did was go to one place in my mind and never got truely resolved, and I have to say I had no idea that happened and I do feel a bit self betrayed.

After that experience in the doctors office I was totally confused. I really could not understand why I flashed back and they must think I am a nut. And after getting home and trying so hard to understand why I had all those emotions I quietly thought about my childhood and how I really handled it. And what I tried to accomplish in my life. And I realized that I was trying to make up for what I didn't feel in my childhood, I didn't feel safe. And when my world got destroyed, my husband described me as being in my own little world. So I thought about that too. And to be honest Richard, I was in a way. I was hiding the pain and constantly trying to make up for it in other ways. And it may have seemed like I was never satisfied,
and deep inside I wasn't, I was never truely safe, I still encountered people who hurt me and I kept trying to ignore it and move forward.

And that is what I mean about getting help, because you cant really do it all on your own. My therapist is not doing it for me but he is there and is helping me find my way through my own maze. Most of my revelations have come from my efforts to really search my feelings. Because, at the moment I am somewhat frozen and lost.
And I can really see it, it is that child that shoved a breau against her door and hid in her room and tried to make at least her own little world safe. My neighbor blew down the door and left me completely exposed in so many ways.

So I understand where you are and how you are feeling. All I am saying is that NOW, you have to take time out and understand yourself better, a deeper understanding.
That is the first step Richard. That is what I have been doing myself. And as I am doing that I can see how the painful things collected and it is only the beginning.
I have to LEARN how to deal with it and HEAL.

But at least by coming to PC and getting to know the pain of others I have realized that I AM NOT ALONE. I am alone in many ways, BUT HOW I FEEL AND STRUGGLE IS HOW OTHERS FEEL AND STRUGGLE TOO. So I am beginning to really see HUMANITY for what it is behind the physical presense of others.

Though I am not standing in front of you Richard, I am in front of you here, I am proof that you are not truely alone in your human experience. You and me and many others here have NEVER BEEN TAUGHT HOW TO TRUELY UNDERSTAND HUMANITY.
No one ever taught me how to be me in a world where people do hurt and deceive, and I hid in many ways from it. My feelings are genuine and so are yours, so what that means is that we BOTH HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT HUMANITY ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL. And it is not easy Richard. And it is not just you and me that feel we have somehow failed, it is many. So if it is many than we must learn how to lower our expectations of ourselves and LEARN how to slowly look at life differently.
AND IT IS NOT AN EASY JOURNEY. And I am right here with you trying to learn too, and I am every bit as disappointed and frightened and embarrassed as you are. And I am angry and hurt and I am not really sure about what comes next. I have stopped and I am looking and it has been painful and I even feel guilty and somewhat feel exposed too. And all I know is that I am working on it one day at a time, and I still don't have a manual.

What I do know is that I have stopped and finally am taking a real look at who I am and how I have looked at and dealt with life experiences thus far. And I have to learn some things and even accept my own errors. But I also have to realize that I did the best I could, many things were not my fault, and I am just HUMAN AFTER ALL.

You deserve to get help and support Richard, at least you have come here and you are reading this and you are finding out YOUR NOT REALLY ALONE IN THIS HUMAN EXPERIENCE AFTER ALL.

Open Eyes