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Oh goodness, you must have the patience of a saint...
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Thanks, it comes from having a little boy... and a big one who sometimes acts like a little one
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First, I have to say that it really, really bothers me that he is bringing up specific examples from years past and saying that it really changed his view of you. If that is the case, he should have talked to you then. Not waited years to bring it up. If he did bring it up years ago, then he should not be bringing it up now, at all. I understand how difficult that is.
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Yeah, that's not cool. He brings this up often; however, my unhappiness with his traveling comes up a couple times a year since he does it a couple times a year so of course, everytime that comes up, so does this specific example. He brought it up then, but it hasn't been resolved. His traveling and my reactions to it absolutely need to be addressed; it is one of the top issues in our relationship.
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Which brings me to my next point. I really dislike how he has completely washed his hands of any sort of culpability for the cheating. In my mind, he is still completely separating himself from what happened -- that anything he could have done before hand is completely irrelevant to your feelings and emotions that you had before what happened. Maybe I'm a little biased, because in my own situation, my fiance and I had an emotionally charged miscommunication, and then I buried myself in my pain and flung it at him to hurt him as well. I see the role I had to play in what happened, I take responsibility for the state of our relationship at the time, and also for the pain I inflicted on my fiance. Maybe there are cases where the cheating comes completely out of the blue, where everyone seems happy, healthy, and engaged with each other, but I personally don't feel this is the case with your boyfriend. I could be wrong, but this is just the way I see it.
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Yes, he has. If I decide to post our latest email conversation, you will see this even more prounounced. You're right, our relationship wasn't going perfect when the cheating happened. I understand how offended he feels when he thinks I'm trying to blame him for the cheating though, that must be very painful. I don't know how to approach this without him shutting down in anger. He has admitted he has emotional issues though, and I think through our emailing is beginning to comprehend that he's not the perfect boyfriend.
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I think that I felt that your starred comments were good. I didn't see any problem with them. What exactly were you looking for in them (or was that for your boyfriend?)
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Yes, he had mentioned that he gets overwhelmed with the length of my emails and he can't tell which topics I'm just presenting my view on and which I really want a response on. So, I decided to star the ones I want him to respond to. That worked a little better, at least I got the responses I was wanting.
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I think a little tough love might be necessary if he is so unwilling to see his role in the relationship. Granted, it has only been a month, so I understand he is still grieving the loss of the relationship he thought he had with you, but at some point, he has to be willing to pick himself up, and start truly facing these things. Granted, I didn't want to see it myself, and probably would have hated him if he tried to make me see it before I was ready, but I think there must be a way to be able to bring him around, or at least start preparing him for it (because that will also be hard).
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He has said that I have inspired him to "decompress his mind", by which he means, doing some soul searching. He is going to take a trip back home after the summer and has mentioned that he is going to revisit his past - the good and the bad. I hope this is the first step towards addressing his issues.
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It does bother me that he couldn't be more understanding of your grief. It seems like a lack of empathy on his part (that and the whole "this is your fault, now fix it. I was perfect before this happened" that I get from his tone/words).
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Bothers me too, I mentioned it to him in my last email.
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Oh, and his assuming that household ways meant orgies and calling what you did "your wanton ways" just... stuck in my craw.
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I know, huh? I don't think he means to offend, he's just really into trying to use different wording for different things. He likes to write so he'll get out his thesaurus and find different verbiage but doesn't always think about the connotations they may have... what bothered me is that he said that "household habits" is a very open-ended term, I don't see how that is open-ended at all. Who would think "household habits" meant anything other than how you manage your home life? Whatever. He can be weird like that, I attribute it to the different cultures we were raised in. It's one of the reasons we have so many misunderstandings.
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I guess I'm getting a little upset about it all because I don't want you to go through what I put my fiance through. I don't want your boyfriend to make the mistakes I made.
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Honestly, considering what I did, I think he could have or could be treating me much worse than he has been. He never stopped to yelling or name-calling, and for that I'm appreciative. He honestly wants to try to work this out and, although he may not be the best communicator, he is trying and willing to make changes.