|
Hello Moonbeam, You are obviously very depressed. That makes it very hard to do the least little thing. I've been that way to where I wouldn't have the ambition to brush my teeth, let alone pull weeds in the yard.
Some persons who have a history of recurrent depression get kind of like a sense of the on-coming of a downturn. I have experienced that. I sometimes call my downturns "tailspins." It truly feels like losing the ability to decide what to do and follow through on the decision. It's like being in a car on an icy road and the car has started to fishtail and i can't steer. I just go where the "slide" takes me. What I'm trying to emphasize is the loss of being effectively in the drivers seat, and, instead, the depression is in the driver's seat and the depressed individual is just going for the ride that is going (or not going) as the depression determines.
You may be blaming yourself because you believe that you could be in control if you just really made up your mind to be. Depression can rob you of the ability to have anything close to that kind of self-control. I don't think people usually cry when they feel lazy. But when depression has control and you feel like you can't determine what you are going to do, then the crying is normal because people do tend to cry when they feel powerless.
You have standards for yourself that you expect to live up to. That means you have character. A sick person can't do what normally would be doable when the person is well. Depression can get you as laid up as a broken leg. Don't underestimate what you are up against.
Being sick does not mean a person doesn't have a right to be here. There have been people in history, like Hitler, who thought that sick people should be exterminated. That thinking was, and is, evil. You have a right to stay here and be assisted in finding recovery. Only after some recovery has taken place will you be able to get things done that you feel you should get done.
You might have treatment resistant depression. That occurs to me because of how scared you sound about "falling." A history of recurrent episodes of "falling" can be a sign of TRD.
Are you getting any treatment? Have you ever gotten any? Even if you are, that doesn't guarantee that these "tailspins" won't come along and take you down where you desperately don't want to go.
Even if you are just getting worse, try to keep posting. You'll have a record of what you are going through. Feedback from members may help. You are important even just the way you are now. People with sickness are important and deserve support. We will all face sickness of some kind eventually.
|